


Ode to Four Seasons

by spadenoace



Category: Running Man RPF
Genre: Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, Multi, Translation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-06-26 18:43:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15669054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spadenoace/pseuds/spadenoace
Summary: Gwang Soo, Haha, and Gary make a drunken bet one night to seduce Kim Jong Kook.Gwang Soo who begins scope Jong Kook out, and Gary who looks uneasy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [사계예찬[四季禮讚]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322491) by [graywolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/graywolf/pseuds/graywolf). 



[Winter]

 

The incident began at a restaurant for hangover soup, late at night when there were no customers. 

Sitting around at a low table, the three men poured forth the two bottles of soju, drinking the broth of the hangover soup on the side. Their faces were taut with the kind of fatigue that only sleep could possibly cure. Haha had more inhaled the drink whole, rather than sipping at it, letting out a noise and shaking his head slightly to combat the bitterness. There were no lenses on his black frame glasses, and his hair parted equally in half down the middle swayed in front of his eyes. Gary sat to his right, ‘LEESSANG’ threaded in white through the black New ERA cap, worn backwards on his head. He was busy gulping down the broth of the hangover soup, while Gwang Soo, across from him, brought and cut the radish kimchi from the small pot next to their table. The end of Gary’s spoon scraped against the bottom of the empty earthen bowl with a dull sound.

 

“Jong Kook-hyung is really something. What kind of person stubbornly goes to the gym to work out at this hour?” Haha murmured, glancing around at the empty space at the table originally meant for four people. Gwang Soo watched his glass fill little by little and offered to pour for him, looking at a loss not knowing what else to do, but Haha shook his head. A single shining drop slid down the long neck of the soju bottle.

 

Gary spooned a large helping of rice into his mouth, the right side of his cheek blowing up like a balloon. He swallowed it down in one big gulp, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “He did say he was tired earlier. Do you think he just went home?”

 

His forehead shone with beads of sweat. Perhaps it was because of the weather, a bit melancholy for spring, or their fatigue, or the strange hours of the night- but despite the pleasant effects of the alcohol, their conversation remained incessant and fluent.

Devoid of its usual guests, the restaurant was not just lonely, but desolate. Even the TV that normally always remained on was asleep, displaying its black screen. Possibly the restaurant was preparing for breakfast time hours later, for only the noise in the kitchen and the hurried movements it entailed accompanied them.

 

“He left saying that he was going to workout,” Gwang Soo replied, moving to cut the other vegetables into bite-sized pieced and filling their plate. Haha shook his head slightly, murmuring ‘he’s crazy’ over and over again.

 

“If he just stopped working out so much, he’d have a line of people who’d love to date him.” Gwang Soo mumbled as if it were his own loss. Haha poked at the bean sprouts with his chopsticks, before fishing out one that had lost its head and chewing on it. Perhaps it was the alcohol getting to him, but Gwang Soo’s face glowed red.

 

“He’s so damn easy to seduce, but hard to keep. Since he likes working out more than he likes having a girlfriend.” Haha chewed up the strand of bean sprout till its end, and put down his chopsticks with a light clack.

 

Gary nodded in agreement. His eyes were long and thin, like your average everyday Asian man that his expressionless face looked somehow intimidating. A face that not just was hardened, but dare he say, almost cold. Gwang Soo rubbed his nose with his right hand. Perhaps it was to establish that he was the oldest out of the three of them here or something unconscious, but Gary’s subtle change in demeanor when Jong Kook wasn’t around made him feel awkward.

 _It’s probably because filming had been rough, he’s just tired,_ Gwang Soo managed to convince himself as he ate the radish kimchi.

 

“Even I could probably seduce Jong Kook-hyung,” he answered, not wanting to deal with an awkward silence. Hearing the younger man say something so ridiculous so confidently, Haha was quiet for a second before he cleared his throat to let out a gravelly laugh. Gary who had been focusing on his bowl raised his head to join in the laughter. The rustling in the background melted in with the sound. Gary reached across Haha to grab the soju bottle. Gwang Soo quickly grabbed it, and filled Gary’s glass. Two bottles went by quickly when sipping bit by bit, and now the bottom of the bottle revealed itself. Instead of water, Gary put the bottle to his lips, tapping it to get the last drops.

 

Haha grabbed the spoon as to finish the rest of the broth.  “Ya, you of all people? I doubt it.”

 

“Even Jong Kook-hyung has standards.”

 

Gwang Soo raised his voice in protest at the not-quite-insult, but his eyes were all smiles.

 

“.....Maybe he’ll consider it if it was Joong Ki.” Haha’s brows wiggled together as he slurped up the soup. _You don’t stand a chance_ , it was written clear on his face. One part sneering, one part belittling, and one part that had slipped in underneath it all, sincere.

 

“Even so, I still managed to snag about 80% of the women that I tried to make a move on, you know.” Gwang Soo’s lower lip quivered as he murmured quietly. Whether it was because he was in front of his hyungs, or he was worried his voice would carry over all the way to the kitchen was hard to say.

 

“Joong Ki…. If Joong Ki was the one who asked me out, even I’d say yes.” Gary lightly tapped Haha’s arm.

 

“Just a yes, and that’s it? You should be thanking him. Aigo, thank you, thank you, that should be your whole mindset as you’re dating.” His words, thick with laughter, floated in the air between them.

 

Gwang Soo fanned himself lightly with the ends of his shirt. The situation was mildly unfair. Going by looks alone, of course he couldn’t compare to the charming and elegant pretty boy, but still, did he really deserve to be treated like the worst catch ever? _I mean, people like Gary-hyung look even worse._ But that was something the two would tell him off for, so Gwang Soo simply gulped down his water instead. He had never been called ugly before. That included his school days and his times as a model. Even if he wasn't particularly good looking, he had an attractive enough face, and he was tall, so he had gotten quite a few ladies here and there. This was all because he chose the wrong character for variety, Gwang Soo thought as he glanced at the two who looked like they were having too much fun.

 

“Not everything in a relationship is about your looks, though.”

 

“The kid’s angry, he’s angry. Ya, what can’t happen, can’t happen.” Haha’s eyes closed as he was laughing too much, covering his mouth as he pointed at Gwang Soo.

 

“What if it can happen?”

 

“What can?” Gary asked, not quite sure of the subject of Gwang Soo’s sentence.

 

Gwang Soo’s long fingers lingered on the edge of the black bowl. It was rare to see Gwang Soo’s serious expression, but there it was, aided out by the alcohol.

 

“What if I do manage to seduce Jong Kook-hyung?”

 

“Hey kid, stop spouting nonsense-”

 

“I’ll give you three hundred thousand won!” Haha jumped in loudly, cutting off the rest of what Gary had been about to say. Both Gwang Soo and Gary turned towards Haha. Shoulders straight and chin jutting slightly out, Haha assumed a pose that seemed to look down on Gwang Soo as best as he can at the moment. As their eyes met, Haha nodded up and down in a grand gesture. It was the sort of thing that Haha did when he provoked someone. Gary laughed drily, and fixed his hat as he looked between the other two. Haha looked extremely confident, bordering on arrogant.

 

“Three hundred thousand won?”

 

“Yep. But if you can’t, you have to give me three hundred.”

 

Gwang Soo’s face turned doubtful at the way that Haha prodded him to put money down for this as if it were a bet.  “Ey……. Come on, hyung.”

 

“Why, what’s wrong? Not quite so sure of it now, are you?” Haha shot back.

 

At his goading, Gwang Soo quickly replied, “Fine, three hundred thousand won.”

 

He was being rash, but he had made his decision, the light thud of his hand on the table proof of such. The dishes laid out clattered together, shaking faintly. The leftover water quivered in its cup. With his rationality already half gone, Gwang Soo’s eyes burned bright with a desire to win. Like those times in Running Man that he swore, this would be the day he seized victory.

 

“And.”

 

“And?”

 

“If I seduce Jong Kook-hyung, you can’t call me ugly anymore.” Gwang Soo pointed his index finger straight at Haha.

 

“Okay!” He responded, all ease.

 

It was a lackadaisical bet they never would have agreed to if sober, but such was how it had transpired.

Despite the fuzzy, alcoholic, blur that was his mind, Gary somehow was meticulous enough to take out his phone and start filming, saying something along the lines of the deal being useless if it was all talk. It would have been a very funny scene had anyone being watching. Alas, the restaurant owner was in the kitchen busy preparing the next day’s meal, and the place at late night remained void of any other customers except the three. Gary looked around before taking a seat on the cushion to get a better video, scooting himself to put some distance between them. From the screen, the two who had just reached an end of their agreement looked at Gary intently.

As if spitting out a rap verse, Gary narrated the date and time and the situation to a rhythm only he knew, letting the device catch his voice. He zoomed in, going back and forth between Haha and Gwang Soo. Whenever the camera angled towards either one of them, they puffed up, chuckling and swaggering exaggeratedly. The condition, whoever quit the bet in the middle, or didn’t hand over the money as promised was to reveal a personal secret about themselves in front of the camera, was also added. Gary emphasized the amount, three hundred thousand won, once more before closing up with, “And that is all. This was witness Gary, over and out.”

Jong Kook, probably busy working away at the gym this very moment, knew nothing of it. He couldn’t know of how this bet with him at its center, started at the sudden footsteps of spring’s approach.

 

 * * *

 

Jong Kook pressed his fisted hand into his eyes to relieve some of the tension there. His face was worn with fatigue, looking more haggard than usual. Gwang Soo swallowed drily. His palms were sweaty, and he felt a chill at the back of his neck. The rice paper door of the room was closed plainly. It was an odd hour, not quite lunch and not quite dinner, so the second floor of the restaurant had little customers. In the room across on the other side of the main corridor, a family was grabbing a late lunch. A voice sounding like it belonged to a child of five or six years of age bubbled out excitedly as they ran about. As if nervous, Gwang Soo played with the corners of the cushion he was sitting on.

 

“Jong Kook-hyung.”

 

“Huh? What?” Jong Kook said lightly, giving his had a few shakes.

 

If it wasn’t for the fatigue from travelling all over Korean and China, Jong Kook would have considered the uneasy Gwang Soo suspicious. But as it were, he was too tired to keep his sharp instincts up as he usually did. Gwang Soo chewed on his lower lip twice before drinking some water. He shouldn’t have made the bet. An explosive amount of regret already filed his head to toe, but he couldn’t quit.

 _Who was it that said they wanted to seduce him, what kind of guy is so indecisive, what a disappointment, you really are ugly, backing out now because you’re too chicken, saying that you’ve had a lot of girlfriends before was all a lie, wasn’t it?_ Haha had said all sorts of things the day before yesterday when he had hinted at calling off the bet. It wasn’t like Haha was very invested in the bet either. He just wanted to tease his dongsaeng who was a little younger, a little taller. It wasn’t like Gwang Soo _didn’t_ know that. First of all, wasn’t it impossible to seduce Jong Kook with Gwang Soo being a guy? _I_ _should have said I’d get my younger sister to date Jong Kook-hyung…_ Whether he knew the likelihood of that happening was slim to none, Gwang Soo simply hated himself for making this bet a week ago when he was drunk.

The sunlight crossed the tablet diagonally, and them climbed up Jong Kook’s shirt and stopped, glittering, in his eyes. Jong Kook’s eyebrows furrowed lightly. He scooted over, still seated, along the arm’s length distance between them and poked Gwang Soo’s leg with his foot.

 

“Ya, what is it? Why did you ask to meet, and then stay quiet this whole time?”

 

It was a light touch, but still the water went down the wrong way and Gwang Soo ended up coughing it all out. Jong Kook was the one startled. “Hey, you okay?” He grabbed some of the tissues and pat the area on the table where the water had spilled.

 

Gwang Soo kept coughing, just barely managing to nod his head. His sense of guilt, hanging on a thread far beyond the plain of his rationality was about to rear its head. The kind of feeling that made him ask if it was okay to use Jong Kook for a money bet. Even if Jong Kook treated and treated him badly on camera, he was normally a really nice hyung.

Finally having stopped coughing, Gwang Soo peeked at his phone at the corner of the table on his right. The message that he received from Haha yesterday was on his mind. [If you quit now, I’ll mention your ex-girlfriends on broadcast.]

That was a scary threat. Even though he wasn’t sure whether Haha would actually put his words to action. He was going to get rejected for sure, so why didn't he just close his eyes and go for a confession, and say it was prank? Unaware what kind of epic poem of such troubling times Gwang Soo was writing in his head, Jong Kook simply blinked. Once, twice.

 

“You know, hyung…”

 

The rice paper door slid to the side, cutting off his next words. Jong Kook who had been looking at Gwang Soo turned his gaze to over his shoulder. The woman who had come in just now had an apron, obvious wrinkles on her forehead and on the lines of her cheeks, and like all women around that age, a thick hair of tight curls. As soon as the door opened, the child’s voice now rang out unobstructed, clearly and bright, if albeit noisy. Gwang Soo turned his head to look at the room across. Jong Kook too followed his gaze but turned his attention on the food.

 

“It’s hot,” the woman warned Gwang Soo. Her hands were quick and nimble as she set out the stone bowls.

 

After she turned around, Gwang Soo aimlessly shifted the side dishes around, even though he didn’t need to.

“Wow, it looks delicious,” he said, yet there was no feeling behind it. How could he think about food at a time like this?

 

Grabbing the handles on the dish supporting the bowl, Jong Kook dragged his food over properly in front of him and thanked her as he always did. “Enjoy your meal,” she said predictably and left, closing the door behind her. With the light clack, the boisterous sounds of the world outside quietened a little.

 

“Jong Kook-hyung.”

 

Gwang Soo gulped. As he if reflecting his uneasy mind, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and and down wildly. Jong Kook had put his steaming rice onto another plate and just about to pour the water in the bowl. At his voice, Jong Kook lifted his head.

 

“What?”

 

“Hyung, so you know. What do you think…. About gays?”

 

The extreme tenseness he felt wrapped around Gwang Soo like a snake. Jong Kook’s eyes were half covered by his bangs, maybe it was time to get them cut. The sun had inched forth little by little, and now rested in Jong Kook’s eyes once again. But Jong Kook did not move this time. His gaze fixed on Gwang Soo remained calm. Gwang Soo wondered if time hadn’t stopped, like in that one movie Big Fish. Although it could just be that the extreme nervousness he felt gave the illusion of such.

 

“What do you mean what do I think about them? I don’t have any thoughts.”

 

Jong Kook’s expression was unreadable, but as he brushed the hair out of his face, it was slightly easier to read his eyes. His face looked same as always. Gwang Soo breathed out.

Jong Kook eyes dropped down to his bowl once again, but the question drew his eyes to Gwang Soo again and again.

 

“What if I was gay?”

 

His tone was devoid of any playfulness, so Jong Kook couldn’t brush it off the side thinking it was a joke.

 

“.......”

 

 _You're crazy, Lee Gwang Soo._ His trembling heart now thumped wildly in his ears. His hands hidden underneath the table shivered as due to a sudden cold. Wasn’t this going too far for a bet? If he apologized later, was it the sort of thing that they could laugh away? The unease seemed to catch in his throat and Gwang Soo coughed lightly. Jong Kook was quiet. He only blinked his eyes slowly. Gwang Soo got goosebumps at the back of his neck. It was the crazy amount of adrenaline, he told himself and swallowed drily once again. The truth that this was not the last hurdle he had to cross was painfully evident. He still had to seduce Jong Kook after he came out. He could hear the ghost of Haha’s laughter in his ear. He’ll never make another bet again! It’s a lie, it’s a lie, the words rolled on his tongue.

Jong Kook only quietly observed Gwang Soo who kept chewing on his lower lip.

 

“..... Is that so?”

 

All that returned was a lethargic kind of counter-question. It didn’t sound like he was asking because Jong Kook didn’t believe in him. Gwang Soo still chewed on his lips as he struggled to nod his head up and down. At the subtly downcast atmosphere, his eyes instantly sought the floor and he filled his heart with curses at both Haha and Gary. _It wouldn’t have been a problem if I just hadn’t filmed the video. Anyways, once again alcohol remains the culprit._

Jong Kook opened his mouth slowly, but hearing some commotion from outside, he closed his mouth. The family had finished their meal. Jong Kook’s gaze turned towards the door. The sunlight that had climbed into and over his eyes now rested on his head, that his hair captured the light and shone brightly. He couldn’t remember if his hair had ever been black, but holding the light so, it looked a much lighter color.

 

“Did something happen?”

 

“....Pardon?”

 

It was only after the family had left for good that Jong Kook opened his mouth once again. Having stared blankly at Jong Kook, chasing the sun with his eyes, Gwang Soo suddenly snapped to attention.

 

“If you say something like that out of nowhere, isn’t it because you have something troubling you?”

 

Jong Kook had failed to pour the hot water into the stone bowl several times, trying to focus on Gwang Soo, but now he did so. His voice sounded natural, as he was just asking the weather or how he was doing. Even a moment ago, the atmosphere had been so twisted beyond repair but perhaps his voice had dissolved all that. There was only the usual kind of feeling between the two of them, sitting separated by a table.

 

“No, nothing like that…. I just thought it’d be good to tell you.” Gwang Soo’s voice was quiet, his conscience prickling at the mountain of lies he was piling up.

 

“Really?”

 

Jong Kook lightly nodded his head, as if he had only heard yet another mundane detail, and picked up his spoon. In the case that Jong Kook had hated him for it, Gwang Soo had planned to break off the bet entirely, but Jong Kook’s mild response only invited a heavy lead rock to sit in the corner of his mind.

 

“Anyways, are you still working out regularly these days?” And like that the conversation naturally flowed elsewhere. There were no useless words, nor questions that existed for the kind of thing he had stated so blandly. Of course, if he was going according to plan, then he should have confessed (like a liar) to Jong Kook saying ‘I like you, hyung,’ but somehow Gwang Soo couldn’t bring himself to do so. It wasn’t like in the movies where he suddenly liked him either. Just that, he felt a little choked up.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

A husky, muffled voice barked out in laughter. Haha’s expression was positively jovial, the line under his eyes crinkling. Next to Haha, Gary sat comfortably with his back leaning against the sofa, gaze turned down to his phone. His face was blank, a complete opposite to Haha. Gwang Soo sat on the single seated sofa across from them. Unused to such disparity between the two, he awkwardly wiped his hands on his thighs.

 

“Really? You said you were gay?” Haha asked again.

 

“I’m not lying, hyung. I really said it.”

 

There was no way to express the kind of choking nervousness he felt at present, so Gwang Soo let the loud, trembling sigh speak of his distress instead. Gary rolled his eyes and sneaked a look over to Gwang Soo, but unaware, Gwang Soo continued to ramble.

They had gathered at his house because Gwang Soo said he had something important to say to the two of them in private, only to talk about this. Gary sighed quietly and looked down at his phone again. Though he was interested in what the kid was saying, somehow he didn’t want to let his interest be known. Was it pride? He didn't know, Gary thought.

 

“What did Jong Kook-hyung say then?”

 

“He didn’t really say much.”

 

“He probably thought you were just joking.”

 

“Ey, no way. I was being really serious then,” Gwang Soo said lowly.

 

He opened his eyes wide, beseeching the doubtful Haha to believe him. Haha sat up straight from where he had been leisurely sitting on the sofa, eyes shining. He somehow reminded Gwang Soo of a gossip-loving ajumma. Gwang Soo slid his hand from his thigh to rest on his knees instead. Because of his long fingers, even the small movement made them look disorderly.

 

“....Did you confess?” Gary suddenly asked, at the tail end of Haha’s laugh.

 

He had been on his phone ever since the two came in. Gwang Soo turned his eyes towards Gary, as did Haha. Even today, Gary was wearing a black cap, with ‘I AM THE GREATEST’ in yellow instead of white.

Haha mouthed the words silently as he read the logo, blinking twice as a strange sense of deja vu came over him. He’d seen the hat somewhere before, but he couldn’t pinpoint where exactly. He’d probably seen it around, Haha told himself, yet he couldn’t help but read ‘GREATEST’ again. Perhaps he was aware of Haha’s strange fixation with his hat, for Gary briefly took it off before fixing it back on his head.

Even if he had been looking at his phone, Gary could tell from his peripherals that the two were staring at him and raised his head. In the empty space between them, their gazes criss crossed, twisting strangely. It was a simple question, but somehow Gwang Soo felt he had missed something, and tilted his head slightly in confusion. Maybe it was because of how Gary’s tone contrasted with Haha’s boisterousness.

 

“No, not yet….. It just didn’t feel right to do it so suddenly. And my heart was pounding.”

 

“Your heart was pounding?” Gary asked again, his right eye squinting.

 

It was obvious what he was going to say next. His face asked what was there to be so nervous about. Gwang Soo realized his choice of words wasn’t the best, but before he could correct himself, Haha with his penchant to drive the conversation into strange places to put people in a spot of sorts, immediately lapped it up.

 

Lifting his hand to his mouth as if sharing a secret, Haha murmured, “Ooh, did you hear that?... He said his heart was pounding. He must be in love with Jong Kook-hyung.”

 

Gwang Soo leapt up and waved his hands in front of him frantically, looking thoroughly wronged. When would Gwang Soo realize that his kind of reaction was the entire reason Haha loved teasing him?

 

“It’s not because I like him! Ah, come on hyung!”

 

“I know, I know.”

 

Gwang Soo on the verge of tears was firmly denying the whole thing. It was only after Haha swallowed the laugh that threatened to burst out of him and nodded, that things calmed down. Gwang Soo muttered something along lines of how they were the ones who told him to do it, and now they were turning around and calling him gay. Haha was about to argue that it wasn’t like they told him to do it, it was a bet created with full and mutual agreement, but let out a small laugh instead. Bet or no, there was no need to argue over the small details of something trivial as this, seeing Gwang Soo throw a fuss by himself. Haha swept back his hair that had fallen into disarray from laughing too hard.

 

“How long has it been since you told him you were gay?”

 

At Gary’s question Gwang Soo was counting off on his fingers. But somehow things didn’t seem to add up, for he mumbled, “Um….. About a week, I think.”

 

“Ya, then what were you doing the whole time instead of confessing?” Haha berated him.

 

Gwang Soo’s voice turned even quieter. “I didn’t have the guts to do it… Hyung, it’s not as easy as it sounds. And honestly….”

 

“Honestly?”

 

“I feel a little guilty about it. Jong Kook-hyung’s going to be really mad later. Saying I tricked him with something like that.”

 

He wasn’t wrong. The whole thing could be played off as a joke, but it was also quite possible to be a joke taken too far. With that in mind, Gwang Soo wondered if he could end the bet right here. Racking his brains, he used his acting experience to put forth his best pitiful expression. Like asking them to let him go. Honestly, he was also afraid of Jong Kook.

But was Haha the kind of person who would be swayed by such displays of sympathy? He snorted, as if Gwang Soo’s complaints had no effect on him.

 

“You could just say it was a prank video later. Anyways I’m telling you, you’ll be rejected! It’s a bet that’ll end with just you embarrassing yourself, I don’t know what you’re worried about.”

 

“And I’m saying, if I really put my mind to it, I really could seduce him. It’ll be terrible if I made a move and he actually fell for me!”

 

“Ah, no way, no way. One hundred percent! A thousand percent!”

 

“I will! I’m not even joking, I will seduce him!”

 

At Haha’s words, Gwang Soo forgot what had made him complain in the first place. As a complete contrast to how he truly felt, he finished the conversation with ‘I will absolutely seduce Jong Kook-hyung’. The feeling that he was making the wrong choice slowly crawled up like smoke, but melted under the heat of his competitive spirit. Even his guilt that had been in full bloom yesterday, no, even still this morning closed its petals and curled in onto itself. Why was he worrying about guilt now, when there were higher priorities, like showing Haha who only thought of him as a ugly, inexperienced loser in love, what he was truly capable of!

 

“You couldn’t even confess because you were too scared!”

 

“I’m going to do it! I was going to do it this week, you know?”

 

Of course, no such plans had existed, but Gwang Soo’s mouth moved on its own. The words springing forth without having once gone through his head was impatient and reckless.

Gary only sighed at the two’s bickering. They were making such an uproar it was making his head hurt. If Gwang Soo confessed, Jong Kook-hyung…. would be really surprised. He could easily imagine his shocked face as if it were in front of his eyes. He’d probably wonder how best to turn him down. And his eyebrows peeking out from between his bangs would furrow in an upside down ‘v’. And later on, how would he react when Gwang Soo said it was because of a bet? Would he smile, or would he become angry? Gary couldn’t think that far ahead.

Even as Gary’s thoughts floated and teetered along, the two were busy exchanging words, matching fire for fire. Their meaningless conversation was cut by Gwang Soo’s message alarm. _Ding! Ding!_ Haha didn’t know about Gwang Soo, but to him, the argument had been started as half a joke in the first place anyways. So once Gwang Soo turned his attention to his phone, he calmed down rather quickly, pressing his lips closed. The device itself wasn’t small, but in Gwang Soo’s large hands, it looked like a mere toy.

 

“Who are you chatting with that you’re putting in all that effort into a reply?”

 

Gwang Soo was focused on his phone as if he was about to crush his face into it, an act that piqued Haha’s curiosity. He got up from the sofa, and crept stealthy towards Gwang Soo. _As if he had something hide_ , he thought, but Gwang Soo turned his screen this way, no doubt to prevent Haha from seeing it. But his defense was unsuccessful. Gary sat across from him. Their good teamwork on variety perhaps carried over, because Haha gave him a glance and Gary pulled himself forward and slowly read the words that had been tilted his way. Gwang Soo had no way of knowing, being focused entirely on Haha, and curled up further and continued the cycle of erasing his text and rewriting it once again. It was too much effort for it to just be a text to a simple acquaintance. As he often did when reading small letters from afar, Gary’s face scrunched up, his eyes squinting. Gwang Soo checked his reply multiple times even after he had sent it.

 

The name that had popped up on the messenger was familiar. He had heard of it multiples times from Gwang Soo’s own mouth. Gary kept muttering to himself, like testing the name on his tongue.

 

“You finished that project such a long time ago, why are you still contacting her?”

 

His question elicited an outcry of ‘hyung!’ from Gwang Soo, who quickly put the phone in his pocket. But what he could do, Gary had already seen everything. Haha gave a thumbs up his direction, as his eyes shone with a manic kind of curiosity.

 

“Who is it? Who’s the kid talking to?”

 

“You know, the one with the small face who Gwang Soo said was totally his type. They filmed a drama together.”

 

“It’s not like he has just one or two people that’s his type…."

 

Gwang Soo was caught off guard, scrunching his face as he whined why he had even looked in the first place. Not particularly interested and paying him no mind, Haha thought hard about the actors he did know.

 

“The one with the voice that Gwang Soo likes, because it’s cutesy.”

 

“Ah, her?”

 

Haha finally seemed to know who it was after Gary’s additional explanation, nodding his head. As if nervous, Gwang Soo looked up at Haha who was standing next to him. Feeling like a mouse in front of a cat, Gwang Soo swallowed drily. Uncomfortable apprehension winded itself around his leg and crept up his whole body. Haha looked at Gwang Soo with an indecipherable expression. Was he excited he found one more weakness of his? Gwang Soo tried to figure out what he was thinking.

 

“Are you dating?”

 

Haha forcefully wedged his butt into the cramped sofa meant for one person that Gwang Soo moved next to him, only resting half his butt on the seat. From this position, Gwang Soo looked down at Haha. Although his gaze was fixed on Haha, Gwang Soo could tell without much effort that Gary was also looking intently at him. Haha casually wrapped his arm around Gwang Soo’s shoulder. It looked like an uncomfortable position, and it really was, but Haha didn’t let his arm down. He felt a strange tension.

 

“It’s not like that, hyung. We’re just being good friends.”

 

“Yeah, right. I saw how you kept erasing and rewriting your messages. What kind of relationship do you have that you keep rewriting your texts?”

 

As soon as Haha finished, Gary jumped in with, “From the looks of it, they were going to grab a meal together one of these days.”

 

Haha had a rather wicked expression as he winked and looked at Gwang Soo. Basically pressuring him to come clean with everything. He should have just replied later. He internally regretted it, but it wasn’t like it changed anything. Unable to win against the pressure of having both of their gazes on him, Gwang Soo sighed. All three of them here knew that eventually Gwang Soo would open his mouth. Gwang Soo hesitated rather uncharacteristically.

 

“It’s just…… We’re not dating or anything yet.”

 

Gwang Soo ran his hands over the back of his head as he eyed the two of them. His rather neat hair became ruffled, some of the split ends snagging together and snapping.

 

“Ya, you could have just said it’s a thing, why’d you taking so long to answer?”

 

“Wow… The kid must be really serious about it.”

 

At their words, Gwang Soo’s lips squirmed a couple times as if to defend himself, but gave up.

 

“Is it it just one sided?” Gary asked again, unbelieving of Gwang Soo’s words. His tone sounded like a question, or an interrogation, and had a light sharpness to it. Gwang Soo’s hand moved from his head to play with the phone in his pocket. He shook his head. Of course, a couple times he had mistaken the other's kindness as a sign they were interested in him romantically, but that wasn’t the case this time.

 

“It’s not just a one-sided thing. I’ll bet my entire fortune on it.”

 

“How long are you going to keep betting your entire fortune?”

 

Untangling his arm from the other’s shoulder, Haha gave Gwang Soo’s back a slight slap before standing up. The position had been very uncomfortable. Gwang Soo gave a little laugh before adjusting his position. Once more, Gwang Soo’s phone vibrated with the message notification. All three pairs of eyes turned towards Gwang Soo’s pocket, their voices hushed. Gwang Soo wanted so badly to look at his phone, but put great effort into maintaining his uninterested facade. Taking out his phone here no doubt meant he’d be fresh meat for the two hyenas in front of him. As if they’d just let him off with just not taking out his phone.

 

“What you doing, hurry and check your phone.” Haha tapped Gwang Soo’s shoulder with his finger as Gary stretched his legs to poke at his feet, adding "Hurry."

 

“I’ll just check when I get home.”

 

“Don’t so stingy,” Haha grinned mischievously, as he massaged Gwang soo’s shoulder. “I won’t tease you. Just take a look at what her reply is.” Was this how the snake had tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden? A soft and gentle tone, and a low voice with the kind of weight that made you want to trust in him. Even as he was mumbling, 'I shouldn’t', his hand was already fishing for his phone.  

As expected of Ha Dong Hoon, always so good at manipulating people, Gary murmured internally, watching Haha’s enticement happen live, right in front of his eyes.

Even after he took out his phone, Gwang Soo was reluctant to turn his screen on for a few seconds. But as if decided on something, he input his pattern, and opened the message. Gary was unable to see with Gwang Soo’s head hung over his phone which remained horizontal. But Haha did bend down and pressed his head against Gwang Soo’s and slowly began reading the chat out loud.

 

“Ah hyung. Aren’t you looking at it too shamelessly?” Gwang Soo complained, not really complaining, but Haha only laughed.

 

“Why does she have a thing with you? You’re ugly.” Haha snickered as he looked at the message saying to meet next week.

 

It was a joke he said without meaning, but still Gwang Soo replied with a tone that hinted at disgruntlement. _It’s not easy to be provoked every single time either_ , the thought swam within Haha’ mind. He said he was joking and appeased Gwang Soo. His bitterness that had boiled forth quickly waned rather easily, against his expectations. Gwang Soo’s gaze at Haha had been a little fierce, but at the other’s placating one, became calm once again and fell downwards towards the screen. Gwang Soo was as easy to appease as he was to provoke.

 

“But hyung, even in your eyes it looks she’s interested in me too, right?”

 

Gwang Soo asked raising his head, only after silently murmuring the text he received a couple times, and typing out lightly with both of his thumbs a reply that he edited again and again, and finally sending it. Even if he was the one who had said it was a ‘thing’, he must have been uneasy. Understandable. Gary recalled the Friendship Race they had filmed earlier, empathizing with the unease that crawled slowly out of the corner of Gwang Soo’s mind. For Gwang Soo who had experience having a one-sided ‘thing’ and being rejected, it was almost a given.

 

“You’re right. Unless she’s a fox and just leading you on, it’s a hundred percent.” Gary said.

 

Gary adjusted his cap because the brim kept poking uncomfortably into the back of the couch. He had worn it to keep Haha and Gwang Soo from teasing him about his bed hair, but it was uncomfortable to be wearing it in the house like this. “But was that all you wanted to tell us today?”

 

“Yes, hyung. The confession….” Gwang Soo trailed off on his answer to Gary’s unprompted question, and looked up at Haha.

 

“You said you’d do it within the week.”

 

“I did. Yes, this week.”

 

Had he hoped that Haha would have forgotten? The way that Haha held Gwang Soo’s gaze and answered his question caused Gwang Soo’s expression to grow sullen a bit, then nodded his head. In the first place, if he wasn’t that confident in the matter, all he had to do was pay up the three hundred thousand won to hear that he was ugly, that was all. It was almost surprising he was trying so hard to win the bet.

It was the time of the day when the sun should have been full in the sky, but perhaps because of the clouds, the light that fell in through the window was less than bright. Since it was midday, the living room lights had been left off, thus also seeming a little dark. Spring was to come in full swing soon, but the world outside the window had none of the expected warmth. The tail-end of winter did not want to give up its spot so easily. But it’d likely clear up next week. The grass and the trees will shine in brilliant green, and the air will be flutter alive like a butterfly. Once this week where Gwang Soo would have to confess to Jong Kook passed.

 

“But that would be really funny if Jong Kook-hyung actually accepted his confession. Wouldn’t it?”

 

“......Mm. Yeah.”

 

Would it be funny? Gary asked himself even as he reluctantly agreed. The whole situation where Gwang Soo seriously confessed to Jong Kook was hard to imagine. He couldn’t even begin to predict what will happen to the two after. _I don’t think it’d be funny, maybe awkward._ He didn’t voice his would-be-reply that came to him one moment too late.

Gwang Soo felt awkward once again at Gary’s vague reply. He felt as if some tightly wrapped feelings lay within behind the clouded words. Was he laughing at him, or just uninterested, he tried to speculate, but he couldn’t be sure.

 

Haha felt a deja vu again, seeing Gary’s cap on straight. He could swear he’d seen that cap somewhere before. Ah, where was it? Like an itch he couldn’t properly get at, his body felt irritated and tight. An unsatisfied curiosity always did that. Then suddenly with a flash, a scene came to him in all its clarity. His eyes widened, and a small ‘ah’ fell from his mouth. Gary raised his brows expressing his curiosity, as did Gwang Soo, asking “What’s wrong, hyung?”

Haha’s finger followed his gaze to point right to Gary’s cap.

 

“Hyung, that cap. It’s the same one as Jong Kook-hyung’s, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, that’s right.”

 

Gary’s response this time fell clear from his mouth without question.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

In the suffocating atmosphere, Jong Kook picked at his lower lip with his teeth. His mouth felt dry.

 

“Hey…. What kind of joke are you trying to play here?”

 

His disconcerted expression was plainly evident on his face, even in the dim lighting under the overcast skies, but Gwang Soo did his best to ignore it. Jong Kook’s voice as he tried to maintain a smile sounded awkward. In the tenseness that held such a grip on his neck much like a noose, Gwang Soo could only think of a single two-syllable word, revenge. Being able to knock the two hyungs who ignored him off of their high horse, and get an additional three hundred thousand won. If he did as he planned, then there was definitely a possibility. After having gone through the conditions of the bet, and bickering with Haha over its specifics, any sense of guilt only looked at this moment from afar, and did not try to stop him. The streetlamp at night glowed dim, and Jong Kook’s clothes were light. Yet the reason Jong Kook wasn’t shivering was probably because Gwang Soo’s words had affected him so much so that the cold and any other senses remained forgotten.

 

“I’m not joking.”

 

“....”

 

When the cool wind picked up lightly, chills crawled up Gwang Soo’s arm.

The rippling feelings that he couldn’t hide flowed out of the Jong Kook. It was a sense of bewilderment that was darker than the late night. The warmth and affection that had flitted between them before he had said the words ‘hyung, I really like you,’ had long since packed up and ran away. Jong Kook only opened and closed his mouth several times before raising his right hand to rub his nose. Somehow the gesture made Gwang Soo want to laugh, so instead he coughed a couple times and schooled his expression. Jong Kook’s expression which he had never seen before was refreshing, even almost remarkable.

 

“I like you. Jong Kook-hyung.”

 

Gwang Soo knew better than anyone what kind of expression he had on his face as Jong Kook looked at him. An expression he had practiced making in the mirror more than fifty times over. A similar line. Having acting as his primary job turned out useful even in cases like this it seemed. Gwang Soo was sure that Jong Kook wouldn’t be able to tell that this seriousness he drew upon was a lie. Jong Kook could not meet his eyes. His gaze that trailed determinedly up stopped abruptly at Gwang Soo’s neck. Looking at it one way, it was a predictable reaction.

 

Gwang Soo felt, a very small, sense of superiority. The person who left no room for him to outdo him in anything, whether it be his presence, his strength, his age- the same person was now standing before him not knowing what to do. A man, as always, was the kind of being that felt pleasure at seeing those stronger than him, below him.

Jong Kook rubbed his face with both his hands. His fingertips as they touched his face stung with cold. He felt dizzy, and also suddenly tired. His vision grew black, then came to again, repeating several times. Gwang Soo’s voice, thrown like a stray rock, caused a ripple in the entangled space of his mind. _I like you._ It was said in such a crisp and plain way that Jong Kook could not possibly ignore it. Had it rather been said like a joke, said as if just in passing, then there would have been at least some room to escape. The unexpected problem that had appeared before his eyes was too boundless, too enormous, too deep.

Jong Kook thought of Gwang Soo, how he had confessed his secret to him a little more than a week ago, closing his eyes, then opening them. In the late night that bordered on twilight, Gwang Soo stood with his back towards the streetlamp, his face just barely visible in its glow. If he said this was more startling than any confession he had received before, would Gwang Soo laugh? Such useless thoughts filled him. His teeth gnawed on his lips. Jong Kook repeatedly opened his mouth and closed it several times. He should be saying something, anything, but his voice wouldn’t come out. As if someone has shoved a rock into his throat, he couldn’t say anything.

 

“Gwang Soo. I-”

 

“I know.”

 

After clearing his throat several times, wetting his lips with his tongue, the words came out only to be snatched out of the air and swallowed whole by Gwang Soo. Jong Kook could not know that Gwang Soo had purposely measured that timing. He had to make the situation more dramatic somehow, he had to grab onto Jong Kook’s feelings and make them shake within his grasp. He needed the kind of meticulousness that couldn’t even be compared to the usual way he seduced women. If need be, he needed to use the friendship between them thus far, and if that wasn’t enough, he would have drag out pity and make use of that. Looking at it one way, it was no different than a play that Gwang Soo himself had wrote. Directed by Lee Gwang Soo, played by Lee Gwang Soo, sponsored by Haha. How seriously and heavily he had guided the situation, how much power he had, and the desire to brag to Haha about such wriggled within him. Though not unaware of their own immaturity, didn’t they say men no matter their age were boys at heart? Gwang Soo rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand to stop the the smile that verged on falling.

 

“I just…. Just..”

 

He took a big breath, as if requiring no small amount of effort to drag out a long-held feeling. Even though he had carefully crafted each small gesture of his, the one thing that escaped Gwang Soo’s notice was Jong Kook’s expression. Being so focused on himself, his attention could not extend outward. His wavering gaze, the way he so obsessively tore at his lips. The way his hands repeatedly clenched and unclenched. It was a sight that not even Jae Suk, who had known him for ten years, had probably seen, and a sense of uncontrollable turmoil flowed out of him. Gwang Soo’s gaze did not reach Jong Kook.

 

“....I just wanted you to know.”

 

In a voice no different than a whisper, Gwang Soo finished his words. Jong Kook lowered his head. He couldn’t even begin to think about what he should do, or what he should say. Being in this situation with a dongsaeng whom he had first met on the show and now had grown close to more than anyone else on the program, felt surreal. The weather that had taken a downturn, was a far cry from spring. The darkness, waiting beyond the streetlamp for a chance to swallow them whole, rumbled. The wind that wrapped around their legs was sharp. Jong Kook swallowed dryly, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly. Gwang Soo dropped his head. Like he was trying to suppress his growing feelings. Yes, just like that. His acting was perfect. Following his head, his gaze also looked down towards the floor. The two pairs of shoes faced each other. Jong Kook wasn’t even wearing any socks, probably having casually slipped on any old pair of shoes after Gwang Soo had called him to meet in front of his house in the middle of the night.

 

“I’ll leave now, hyung. I apologize for bothering you this late.”

 

Gwang Soo did not ask for any sort of reply from Jong Kook. He knew that nothing good would come out of cornering him from the very start. Especially if it was a sudden confession like this. At the abrupt end to the conversation, Jong Kook’s wandering gaze finally headed towards Gwang Soo. However, Gwang Soo just lowered his head. Jong Kook could only reply with “Um… ah… “. If he lifted his head to face Jong Kook, Gwang Soo felt as though the laugh he had suppressed would burst forth, so he lowered his head, and with his back to Jong Kook, walked away. Normally he would have added something along the lines of ‘you should head back inside too, hyung’ but today was not that kind of day.

 

Jong Kook could neither hold on to Gwang Soo who only grew further with each step, nor could he head back inside. Instead, he stood for a long time, as if frozen there. His lips that he had so obsessively tormented finally bled.

 

* * *

 

_Something must have happened between the two of them. Right?_

 

At Haha’s whispering, Gary gave a small nod. Even someone who was less observant like him could read the odd air between Gwang Soo and Jong Kook. More specifically, from Jong Kook. _Had Gwang Soo really confessed to Jong Kook-hyung?_ His curiosity congealed into a solid mass, floating aimlessly above the sea of his consciousness.  Gary tapped the front of his shoe twice against the floor, causing a small cloud of dust to rise.

The sunlight was growing warmer. As if the coat he had put on thinking the weather would be cold was bothersome, Haha looked as if he wanted the opening to hurry and end to go change. Like any other day, Gwang Soo was standing by Jong Kook’s side and bothering him with all kinds of his usual skinship. Feeling his eyes on him, Gwang Soo met Gary’s gaze. He did not say anything, only lifting the corners of his mouth to give him a grin. At his smug smile, Gary thought he felt his insides churn. Jong Kook was smiling since the camera was before him, but somehow he looked stiff, only repeatedly taking off his hat to adjust it, before finally holding it in his hand.

 

“Did he get rejected?”

 

Haha squeezed the mic with his right hand as he quietly whispered in Gary's ear. Perhaps he was worried how his voice might carry, for Gary only shrugged his shoulders in reply.

Gwang Soo did his best to ignore the curious gazes directed at him coming from the two who stood at the tailend of the single file line they were in, instead choosing to focus on Jong Kook. There was nothing more Gwang Soo would have liked to do than run to their side and reveal all of the incredible performance he had put on two days ago, but his current priority was Jong Kook who stood beside him. The witness who clearly felt awkward dealing with him. He let his smile flow freely, disguising it as though today’s filming was just particularly exciting. Suk Jin commented, ‘Why do you have such a perverted smile on your face?’ somewhere in the middle, but Gwang Soo paid him no mind.

Jong Kook purposely let his back face Gwang Soo, pretending he was focusing on Jae Suk who stood in the middle. It was because he couldn’t possibly look at Gwang Soo. Even knowing so, Gwang Soo did not leave Jong Kook’s side. If he was sincere, Gwang Soo should also have put as much distance as he could between them, but no awkwardness after the confession could exist for Gwang Soo. Like all things that held no sincerity, the situation was of slightest importance. Even more so when he continued to mull over the words Haha had said several times, _you could just say sorry later_.

The weather had considerably brightened since two days ago, and the spring wind blew softly around them. A light enough wind to just tickle. Jong Kook must have gotten his hair done, for his bangs were cut short just enough to keep out of his eyes. Jong Kook ran a hand through his hair lightly to fix the hairs that had been tossed in the wind. Looking at his hair, centered at the part and curled sideways to the right, Gwang Soo felt a streak of mischief and tugged lightly on a lock of Jong Kook’s hair. Jong Kook flinched. His body that had lightly tapped against Jae Suk as he laughed became still. Gwang Soo suppressed his laugh, and turned his attention to Jae Suk. As if the laughter on his face was because of something funny Jae Suk had said.

Before, Jong Kook would have asked something like ‘What’s wrong?’ as he turned around, but he did not. He probably was flustered. Would he have have an expression that said he didn’t know how to react? Gwang Soo thought it a pity he couldn’t check his reaction himself, and lightly cleared his throat.

 

“There was a loose thread in your hair, hyung.”

 

Which was a lie, of course. There no loose thread, let alone a speck of dust in that hair of his. It was something he’d said nonchalantly to enjoy Jong Kook’s reaction. Instead of a thanks, Jong Kook gave a small nod. Even though it was a reaction that seemed to shun him, Gwang Soo did not look the slightest bit fazed. Wasn’t the fact that Jong Kook was reacting this way meaning he was taking notice of him? He basically had reached goal of his first confession with this. Getting Jong Kook to take notice of him, where he had previous just considered him a close dongsaeng.

Once Jong Kook started paying him notice, then Jong Kook would start being aware of every single action that he did. Because it would be difficult to distinguish which action had an ulterior motive, and which didn’t. Even normally, he had pestered Jong Kook to the point people called him clingy. The skinship had come easy since it was a hyung he felt comfortable around, and Jong Kook had no doubt felt the same, but now…..

Gwang Soo let his hands rest lightly on Jong Kook’s shoulders. He could clearly feel Jong Kook’s muscles tense underneath his palms. Jong Kook could neither push him way, nor ignore him, only lowering his head once and lifting it again. Gwang Soo noticed the dark of his nape as his head dipped. His elongated neck. Despite only the back of his head remaining visible, Gwang Soo somehow felt he could see what kind of expression Jong Kook was wearing. A barely there shiver and delight filled Gwang Soo.

 

“Hey, Gwang Soo and Jong Kook-hyung are being really weird.” Gary turned his head just slightly as to not be caught on camera, and whispered in Haha’s ear.

 

Gwang Soo was so preoccupied with Jong Kook who couldn't hide the fact that he was too aware of him, that he did not notice Gary who had yet to take his eyes off of him. Pretending to look at the camera, pretending to look at Ji Hyo who was next to Gwang Soo, Gary’s gaze remained stubbornly glued to Gwang Soo. Gwang Soo who was all smiles, and Jong Kook who only looked awkward. Gary felt downhearted.

Haha, his attention on the filming at hand, looked once over at Gary, then turned his gaze to beside him. Jong Kook who looked anxious, as if something was bothering him, and Gwang Soo behind him, who had a broad smile with his hands on Jong Kook’s shoulders. It was a strange combination. _It doesn’t look like Gwang Soo was rejected…._ As Haha murmured to himself, the opening filming came to an end.

Gary’s footsteps as he headed straight for Gwang Soo were hasty, as if chased by something. Enough to think it strange, had it not been for the lively atmosphere. Haha followed after him, without even taking a moment to give his uncomfortable outer coat back to his coordi. He had to hear the latest update of Gwang Soo’s news. The mischief and curiosity that he had hidden with effort before in front of the cameras, slowly but surely made themselves evident on his face.

 

“Hey, Lee Gwang Soo. Let’s talk.”

 

Gwang Soo’s hands, still resting on Jong Kook shoulder, were released when Gary grabbed his wrist. As if he had been waiting for a chance to escape from Gwang Soo, Jong Kook did not miss the opportunity to hurriedly leave the scene. A considerable amount of force was in Gary’s grip that his wrists ached. It was only when Gwang Soo started to cry, ‘Ah, ow. Hyung, that hurts,’ and gave his hands a shake that Gary released his grip.

 

“Hyung, the mic,” Haha said, anticipating Gary’s next words to be a full interrogation and giving light jab in his side. Then adding a barely audible, “You know that you look really intimidating right now?” The cameras were still rolling. The red lights at times looked like glistening eyes of a beast ready to pounce on its prey. Gary gave a small sigh, and closed his mouth.

 

“Hyung, it’s because you want to ask about what happened with Jong Kook-hyung, right?”

 

Gwang Soo was the first to ask in a low, quiet voice, having already took off his mic as if to merely change clothes. Instead of a reply, Gary nodded his head two times and looked around casually at his surroundings. There were a few eyes trained in their direction. Gwang Soo’s small cry of pain when he had grabbed his wrist earlier was the culprit.

 

“I’ll tell you later when I get the chance.”

 

Gwang Soo’s mouth curled in a gentle smile. If he wasn’t feeling so downhearted, Gary would have thought it to be fairly good-looking. But now was not the time. _Ya, you must have done something, huh?_ Haha’s voice, full of anticipation, bubbled up excitedly uplifting Gwang Soo’s mood as well. Haha was helpless to resist any source of great entertainment in the first place. He had no doubt caught scent of his gleeful pleasure. Once the satisfaction joined the gentle smile, Gwang Soo's expression seemed smug. It actually was smug. Gwang Soo gave a big nod of his head as his reply.

 

“Ya! Hurry up and come change your clothes!” Suk Jin shouted from a fair distance away. The huddled trio whispering amongst themselves at once turned their heads towards the source of the noise.

 

“Coming, hyung!” Haha answered loudly. His voice carried on the spring wind, ringing. It came out as a hiss that did not suit with the weather. After lightly clearing his throat, Haha turned to Gary and Gwang Soo and jerked his chin towards Suk Jin, and the two followed without another word. Gary’s footsteps, following close after Gwang Soo’s light and jubilant ones, were heavy.

 

Time flowed with no room for them to rest, that it was only late lunchtime that Gary was able to hear Jong Kook’s story. Everyone had started their meals, having taken off the mics and put down the cameras. It was the first meal in a long time that they could eat comfortably, without having to worry about a mission. The voices of the staff members mixed together indistinctly. Several others raised their voices bit by bit as they followed the chatter, slowly adding to the rising volume in the restaurant. Haha, Gary, and Gwang Soo had purposely dawdled, entering towards the tail end, grabbing a seat in the corner after catching some looks. Once he had entered the restaurant, Jong Kook, keeping an uneasy eye on the three, or more specifically Gwang Soo, let out a sigh of relief. If he ended up having to eat together facing Gwang Soo as well, Jong Kook thought he’d get indigestion from the tension.

Gwang Soo set out the utensils with a practiced ease and scanned his surroundings. Anyone could tell he was doing something secretive, that Haha rebuked him in a small voice to not make it so obvious. Before the food even came out, Gary pressed Gwang Soo for the details. The almost burdensome amount of attention that Gary was directing towards him was a first for Gwang Soo, that he gulped down cups of water and coughed to clear his throat.

 

“I’ve confessed to him for now.”

 

As he said this, Gwang Soo’s gaze turned towards Jong Kook who was some ways off. Jong Kook was busy conversing with Jae Suk.

 

“And? You were rejected, right? Huh? Hey, don’t forget to prepare three hundred thousand won in all cash.”

 

“I wasn’t. I told him not to answer, that's why,” Gwang Soo cut off Haha’s incoming remark, grinning as he told him so.

 

“But why are you laughing?”

 

Gary’s words dangled precariously on the border of sharp and easy going in ways that always made Gwang Soo feel at a loss.

 

“You and Haha-hyung always said, Jong Kook-hyung can be won over if you just say you like him three times.” Gwang Soo leaned forward, talking in a low voice.

 

“Yeah, I did say that.”

 

Haha replied easily, nodding his head. Gary poked at the side dishes with his chopsticks, not that he was going to eat them. The air was hot in the restaurant with the midday light, the bustling customers, and the warm food. It almost felt like the beginning of summer. Though it only had just turned spring.

 

“So I’ve just confessed for now. Since then Jong Kook-hyung will have to pay attention to me- ah, thank you.”

 

Gwang Soo quickly swallowed his next words as a shadow approached his side. The three unconsciously followed the practiced motion of the hand that set out the rice and soup. As their meal was laid out before them, a perfect silence flowed between the three. ‘Enjoy your meal.’ With a customary remark as in any other restaurant, the newcomer that had cut the heart of the conversation finally left. Gwang Soo let his spoon dangle in and out halfheartedly in the soybean paste soup as he continued to speak.

 

“.....Anyways, I was going to confess again after Jong Kook-hyung starts noticing me more. So I told him not to answer this time.”

 

That and if he confessed now, he was going to get rejected for sure. The thought caught in his throat unable to come out, and like that, sank back into his mind. Gwang Soo knew better than anyone saying something like that would only to lead to Haha nitpicking at him, which never lead to anything good.

 

“That’s smart. Looks like the kid’s also pretty good at scheming.”

 

Haha gave a brief laugh, lightly touching Gwang Soo’s arm with the back of his hand. As if it were some great compliment, Gwang Soo held onto a smile. Of course, the addition of Haha’s ‘Though you’re still going to get rejected’ quickly brought it into a pout. Seeing there were other people around, they couldn’t be too loud, but nonetheless the bickering two looked boyishly immature, and at once exuberant. Gary slowly blinked.

 _Wasn’t he just being insensitive at that point?_  Gary thought to himself looking at Gwang Soo’s bright face, devoid of a shred of guilt. He wanted to throw out, ‘What if Jong Kook-hyung really does get angry, then what are you going to do?’ but stopped himself. He was no different than these two, so who was he to criticize Gwang Soo openly like that?  He’d been the one to take the video for evidence, laughing along as he did so. Gary had nothing to gain from coming this far to only now get all serious and teach Gwang Soo a lesson, except to cement the image of him as a stern hyung. If he opposed, no doubt Haha and Gwang Soo will see the bet to an end without him. If he at least wanted to see how the bet ended up going, it was best to stay put, Gary thought.

 

“Hyung, I’ll see you later. It’s so obvious Jong Kook-hyung’s still paying attention to me being here.”

 

His tone was boastful.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

_Just treat him like you always do. Act natural._ The words he had pledged in his heart fifty times, five hundred times were of no use in this situation. Jong Kook could only wet his lips with his tongue. The long, thin hands that so easily touched him, and the gaze that sought his when he burst into laughter. Calling his name at any given opportunity, and standing by his side all the while. All of Gwang Soo’s smallest actions made his heart sink painfully heavy in his chest, his throat to close up in suffocating breaths.

In truth, there was no great difference in the way that Gwang Soo was acting. As if he had erased the night of the confession from his mind entirely. He was still acting however he pleased, without a single notion that seemed to say he minded his presence at all. But unlike Gwang Soo, Jong Kook was not the kind of person who could accept the situation so easily. Every time he looked at Gwang Soo, his voice saying ‘I like you’ buzzed in his ear, refusing to leave. Why had Gwang Soo confessed to him? A tangled knot of his thoughts rolled around in his head with no indication it would be unraveled anytime soon.

Jong Kook picked up his phone, meaninglessly fiddling with the buttons on there. Maybe he was nervous, but he just couldn’t sit still. Filming wouldn’t be done for quite a while, but he was filled with the desire to the leave this place. That was always the case, to be aware of something that is. Initially it began with a mouthful of flustered dismay, and once the feeling had digested, his five senses would zero in on that single person, his eyes seemingly drawn to them. No matter what his head was saying, his emotions and instinct was proceeding step by step through a well-worn pattern. Though it was one that Jong Kook couldn’t welcome. A feeling he had buried deep for several years slowly began to stretch its arms to wake. The heat that had lurked within his subconscious like a prowling beast, covered itself with chaos, and little by little expanded its territory. _I like you._ When the phrase popped into his head before he could stop it, the primal emotions that so wore at the walls of his rationality only sharpened their claws.

 

“Come on, hyung. They said filming’s going to start soon.”

 

The voice that called Jong Kook who was still playing around aimlessly on his phone, belonged to the one person he wanted to avoid the most. His hands tapping on his phone screen stilled. The scent of shampoo, the same as Jong Kook’s, wafted from his freshly dried hair.

 

Now that the wind, once sharp enough to cut skin, had calmed down, the activity that the production team had prepared as soon as spring had picked up was the mud flats. The complaints from the cast members in the form of shouts of course fell on deaf ears. At their responses (Haha all but screaming ‘the minute the weather starts clearing up, it’s the mud flats!’ and Suk Jin shaking his head, sensing too well the troubles that lay ahead) the PD just laughed benignly and said, “At least we let you eat lunch comfortably.”

Even as the starved mud flats threatened to swallow their leg whole, they were running, rolling around, shouting as they caked the mud all over each  other, enjoying the moment like a bunch of crazy people.

The game only ended after exhausting the stamina of the Running Men veterans of several years. At this point there was not a single member left unscathed. The PD moved the members, who had naturally become worn out, to a nearby pension and gave them time to wash up and change clothes. For the members, this was only one of several mud flats missions and water games a year, and thus washed and changed with a practiced familiarity, the guests were slightly different. It could only take them a while, unfamiliar as they were. The six men were the ones first ones to finish.

A hard filming, and a shower with warm water. The freshly dried hair, the bright sun, and the comfortably cool breeze. While everyone felt rather lazy and languid, shaking their hair that swayed in the breeze, Jong Kook was alone in his nervousness. Even just glancing at Gwang Soo’s shadow wreaked havoc in his brain. The voice that hadn’t left his ear stubbornly haunted him. _I like you. Hyung. I like you._ Like a cassette tape played on loop, voice upon voice called his name. Especially when he met eyes with Gwang Soo who was simply meandering about, exchanging light jokes with his hyungs. Finally, Jong Kook left.

 

When Jae Suk asked, “Kook Jong-ah, where you off to?” Jong Kook only responded vaguely. He’d be caught dead before he said that it was because of Gwang Soo who was just idling around him. But it became of no use putting effort into leaving, when Gwang soo came to find him. It would have been better if Haha or Gary had come instead. Jong Kook bit his lower lip and shoved his phone in his pocket. Gwang Soo waited patiently for Jong Kook. As if he was going to walk back with him instead of just coming to get him.

Jong Kook was sitting on a low stone wall. He put his hands on his knees and raised himself up. His black knee protector peeked out from under his capri sweats. Like the moment from the restaurant, Gwang Soo found his eyes resting on Jong Kook’s hair again. It was just hair really, see one see all, and it wasn’t like Jong Kook had particularly luscious hair, but even before Gwang Soo had always wanted to run his hands through that light colored hair of his.  Especially when it shone so under the sunlight. Was it because it reminded him of a dog? Something like a retriever… or a cocker spaniel.

 

“Gwang Soo-ya.”

 

Gwang Soo was rather surprised, his eyes blown wide. He had thought that Jong Kook would have ignored him, or pretended he wasn’t there like he had been doing the whole day, but Jong Kook walked two steps forward before turning around and looking at him. It was the first time today that they had looked directly at each other like this.

 

“Yes, hyung.”

 

“Don’t…. you feel uncomfortable being around me?”

 

The words came straight at him. He had thought that Jong Kook would have remained quiet until his next confession, but Gwang Soo, startled by his question, ran a hand through the back of his hair. The scent of the shampoo was still strong that Jong Kook rubbed his nose with his fingers, letting out a breath. He must have been injured from the physical struggle earlier, for a tan-colored tape was wrapped around his pinky finger. Perhaps it was because of the spring sun, or the languidness of his body from the warm bath, but Gwang Soo couldn’t think of an answer to that question, distracted by the shining locks. Despite the lack of an answer rising from the blank slate that was his head, Gwang Soo slowly opened his mouth.

 

“I don’t really know. I just like seeing your face.”

 

The words flowed freely out like an instinctive and unconscious reflex.

Having expected ‘Are you uncomfortable, hyung?’ or ‘I’ll keep some distance from now on’ or even a ‘No, why?’ Jong Kook rubbed his palms of the edge of his pants. He felt light goosebumps trailing up his back. As if it was the sun that was too bright, Jong Kook turned his gaze away. He didn’t have the confidence to meet Gwang Soo’s gaze. And so Jong Kook missed Gwang Soo’s rather strange expression that he otherwise could have captured.  That face that looked almost appalled.

Jong Kook wasn’t the only one surprised by Gwang Soo’s words that sounded like another confession. When Jong Kook turned his gaze away, Gwang Soo’s eyes grew dark, startled. As if shocked at his own words.

There were stories of when actors in Hollywood were particularly absorbed in a role, that even after the filming ended they remained plagued by their characters. It happened in extreme cases when they got too deep into their roles. As if they themselves had become that person, an aftereffect of that kind of extreme acting. Gwang Soo thought a similar situation was happening right now. He’d been thinking of Jong Kook whenever he had time, making plans on how to seduce him at least several times a day, preparing lines that sounded like something he’d say if he was in love with this hyung. The subject of the thoughts had filled, and spilled over in his head, had been Jong Kook. From the moment that joking bet had been set aflame with his desire to win.

The words that had escaped his mouth just now sounded so much like something ‘Gwang Soo who was in love with Jong Kook’ would have said, that he felt chills at the back of his neck. He couldn’t contain the lurching way his heart sank. He had been too absorbed in acting as though he liked Jong Kook. Looking as though he liked Jong Kook, and actually liking Jong Kook were two completely different problems. Gwang Soo blinked rapidly.

 

“.....Um, anyways they said filming is going to start so…..”

 

 _Hurry up, hyung._ Mumbling out the other half of his sentence, Gwang Soo quickly left the scene. His face heated up belatedly. In hurried steps, Gwang Soo left Jong Kook’s side. His head was a topsy-turvy mess. Like grade schoolers drawing lines on the desk to divide into ‘my space’ and ‘your space’, the boundary that separated the reality from acting fell so easily, as the lines of the desk being made meaningless by a single eraser. Feeling as though his feelings, compartmentalized into this and that, were going to agglomerate into a black mass, Gwang Soo was gripped by fear. He quickly fished out his phone.

His notifications were clean and empty, having checked his messages immediately after washing up. Gwang Soo tapped the screen lightly with him thumb. The window that popped up was the chat from several days ago. The chat that Haha and Gary had sneaked a look at. The afternoon sun was so bright that the screen was dim, but Gwang Soo did not complain. With the kind of focus as if to absorb his face into the phone, he trudged along until he had joined the crowd again, all the while reading silently aloud the steady flow of texts that called him ‘oppa’.

Slowly and little by little he grew calm. This was the reality. This girl who he met rarely once or twice every week. If their relationship grew more serious, he planned to confess. She was the first girl in a while who he really connected with. He could tell that she also had some feelings for him. Once order arose from the abyss of those dark feelings, like how water and oil mixed together eventually went to their places, did the tangled feelings return. The boundary line hidden underneath revealed itself.

 

_….. I’ll ask her to meet up this weekend and grab a meal or something._

 

She had mentioned she was shooting a drama recently, so maybe she was filming, but the message that Gwang Soo had last sent her remained unread. His message had asked if she was at least eating well despite work. He wondered what sort of expression she would make reading the message that existed in the space between thoughtful and affectionate. He imagined her smiling shyly as she replied. Chaos that had billowed forth, like dust rising up in a thick cloud when blowing dust off of an old furniture and falling gently to rest, so too did his inner turmoil settle. Thoughts about Jong Kook were pushed to the back of his mind.

 

“I thought you were going to get Jong Kook-hyung, why are you coming back by yourself?”

 

Gary came out as if to greet him, tapping his arm lightly against his. Gwang Soo wore a light smile on his face as he looked at his phone screen, but turned his gaze to meet Gary’s. His eyes blinked rapidly, scowling from the sting of the sun.

 

“I told him to come over. He should be here soon.”

 

Gary bent his body to look at Jong Kook who was far behind Gwang Soo. Being some ways off, Jong Kook was barely bigger than his hand. His lone figure was engraved in Gary’s head like a photograph. His back was towards him, so Gary was unable to make out his expression. Yet, as if he had instinctively sensed what he must be feeling at the moment, Gary’s expression grew furrowed.

 

“Did you say something to Jong Kook-hyung again?”

 

“What?.... No, I didn’t. I just told him to come.”

 

Would his answer have been different if Haha had been the one to ask? Gwang Soo had to pause for a moment at the fierce edge in his voice before shaking his head in denial. Somehow he didn’t feel like telling Gary about this incident. Gwang Soo’s hand gripped his phone tightly. Seeming unsatisfied with his anwer, Gary cocked his head one way, but eventually gave a small nod.

 

“I’ll bring Jong Kook-hyung over. You can go ahead.”

 

“Yes, hyung.”

 

Gwang Soo gave a small nod of his head walked away taking large steps with his long legs. Jong Kook, standing a bit aways, turned around. His face was turned towards this direction, giving the illusion that their gazes met, but Gary knew that Jong Kook was looking not at him, but Gwang Soo’s back. Gwang Soo had denied it, but there was no doubt that he had said something to Jong Kook. There was no other reason that Jong Kook would have looked so dazed. Gary approached Jong Kook with light, careful steps. It was only when the distance between them was less than five meters apart, that Jong Kook noticed Gary’s presence. He had been out of it. Jong Kook hid his dumbstruck expression and instead drew a light smile as if glad to see Gary. Touching his knee brace for no particular reason, Jong Kook’s thin eyes curled even thinner, into his usual eye smile that regularly accompanied him when he grinned. Gary wet his lips with his tongue.

 

“Something wrong, Gary?”

 

“It’s nothing. Just you weren’t coming along, hyung-nim.”

 

“I’ll go. I was just about to go. I can’t believe you couldn’t even wait that long and even came over to hurry me on.”

 

“The faster we film, the faster we can go home, in’t it?”

 

Jong Kook’s joke thrown like a common complaint made Gary reply in an easy going manner, stretching out the ends of his words.

 

“Did everyone else finish washing up?”

 

“Everybody’s together already. We were just waiting for Jae Suk-hyung to come back from the bathroom and you.”

 

Finding himself to be the tardy one without meaning to, Jong Kook draped his arm over Gary’s shoulders, glancing at the bustling crowd of cast members. It was one of Jong Kook’s longtime habits, that is, putting his arms over people’s shoulders like that. As of late there hadn’t been too many chances for them to be in the same team, so Gary was unexpectedly glad for the normally sparse skinship. Despite the hefty weight of his arm, it was not uncomfortable. Haha caught sight of the two of them and waved his hand, urging them to be faster.

 

Jong Kook limped a little when he walked. One wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at him, but to Gary, with his body pressed right against Jong Kook’s, the shake in his step was noticeable. Running in the mud flats like that without so much thinking about his body…. The worry from the moment Jong Kook had run around here and here with his battered body rose up now as regret.

 

“Hyung-nim, is your leg hurting again?”

 

“It’s always hurting, to be fair.”

 

“...”

 

“It’s alright. It doesn’t hurt much,” Jong Kook quickly added, seeing Gary’s despondent face. His voice was strong, like the character that he played. “Hey, why are you the one with that look, when I’m the one hurting here?” Perhaps embarrassed of the downturn in the atmosphere, he raised his voice.

 

He playfully flexed the arm that had been around Gary’s shoulder, pulling the other in a headlock. Jong Kook had probably meant to be gentle, but at the stark difference between their strengths, it was all Gary could do to flail around, unable to escape. The thought that it was he that was unfairly strong, probably didn’t even cross his mind, as Jong Kook released the hold and pat Gary’s back with, “You should work out more.”

 

“Just don’t get hurt, hyung-nim.”

 

“Ya, I’m telling you I’m not hurt. I’m just sore.”

 

Gary kept asking, fixated on his condition that Jong Kook replied so like an excuse. _Being hurt and being sore… that’s the same thing…._ But he didn’t want to seem like he was talking back, so Gary buried the words within him and simply turned his lips into a smirk.

 

By the time Gary and Jong Kook came within the eyes of the tens of cameras, Jae Suk too rushed out of the building to join them. Jae Suk naturally had nice, straight hair. Now fresh from a wash, they shone. His locks, black as if a drop of dye had never touched them, and the clean cut style added to his neat appearance. Lightly throwing on his sponsored New Era cap on his head, Jae Suk looked around to check if everyone had arrived. When the others had already been standing around more or less in their teams, only Jong Kook and Jae Suk were belatedly putting on their mics.

 

‘What were you doing that you’re putting your mic on just now?’ Jae Suk whispered, to which Jong Kook only responded, ‘And what about you, hyung?’

 

‘My stomach suddenly started hurting..,’ Jae Suk trailed off and fixed his hat, then cocked his head.

 

“Kim Kook Jong.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Is something up these days? Are you hurt?”

 

“.....It’s nothing. Just tired, that’s all.”

 

“If you’re tired, just take it easy.”

 

Jong Kook smiled awkwardly. The strangeness that Jae Suk had read from him was from no wound. It was from the one person who was smoothing out his clothes as he stood in the line, the fault of one Lee Gwang Soo. Jae Suk’s words of worry made Gwang Soo’s presence that he just managed to ignore rush at him once again. His blackened emotions and the chaos bared their teeth, growling once more. The beginning of spring had just passed, but despite the sun, a chill remained in the air. His head kept filling with thoughts of Lee Gwang Soo. That was not a good sign. He knew best of his own mechanisms, how he slowly fell for someone. Even if he knew what lay at the end of this road, Jong Kook could not turn back. The interest wedged in, spread its roots deep, and refused to be plucked away. The oncoming unease was large and deep that he could not see its end.

 

“Hyung, over here.”

 

Having put his mic on, Jong Kook consciously tried to put some distance between Gwang Soo and him, moving his feet to the end of the row where Gary and Haha stood, but Gwang Soo tethered him once more. Jong Kook stopped and turned around. Suk Jin with his arms linked next to Gwang Soo said, “We’re supposed to stand in our teams, remember?”

 

His voice was intentionally spiteful, and Jae Suk smiled his usual exaggerated smile, shouting “Ah, hyung! Why are you being like that to Kook Jong over here?”

 

Snickers broke around them then. As atmosphere ripened, Jong Kook pulled his lips back into a smile, only just barely in time. Gwang Soo pressed right against Jong Kook.

Jong Kook found it hard to envision just what kind of feeling it was, to feel happy just looking at someone. He didn’t think any passionate feelings like that remained within him. The kind of mindset that Jong Kook would only have barely had at that age felt enormous to him. His head felt so dizzy he thought it might explode, imprisoning him with constant images of thoughts he did not wish to face.

If Gwang Soo confessed to him once more, would he be able to firmly reject him? Despite the chill he felt, his palms were sweaty that Jong Kook kept wiping his hands on his pants. He thought he wouldn't be able to. His own feelings aside, just because of Gwang Soo. Because of Gwang Soo who would have plucked up all the courage he had and didn’t know he had to show his cherished feelings in front of him. _Jong Kook-hyung is a really easy man to seduce_. Haha’s words said so often like habit was not a lie. Jong Kook was not used to pushing the people that came towards him away. He had just thought it to be a kindness he reserved for women, but it had only been his delusion. Jong Kook realized belatedly that he could not bear the weight of anyone that pressed him so emotionally.

The calm voice of the PD as they explained the rules hummed around Jong Kook’s ear and faded. There was no way he could focus now. He scrunched his eyes closed then opened them, twice, cleared his throat, and fixed his hat to bring his mind to pay some sort of attention, but it was for nought. By even with something as small as Gwang Soo laughing.

As he was clapping, Gwang Soo’s eyes met his. Jong Kook felt his breath hitch. Gwang Soo's mouth, gleefully wide open in laughter, slowly closed, and his lips drew into a leisurely grin, smooth as if someone had painted the curve of his smile. That his smile then was meant only for him, was something that Jong Kook could not ignore should he have tried. _Why are you doing this to me…._ Jong Kook managed to mutter to himself, just catching his heart that had been about to plunge in all seriousness. If he pretended that he wasn’t bothered by this at all, there was a possibility that he really wouldn’t. Anyhow, Jong Kook had no desire to to follow the long road of those feelings. The road signs pointed forward, but he busied himself looking for a detour to leave.

Taking a deep breath, Jong Kook returned with light smile. It was a smile he made probably more than fifty times a day, but his face felt like it would cramp up. He quickly turned his head. It was hard to bear. To behave as if nothing had happened, was more troublesome that he had thought. Especially since he had no talent in acting whatsoever.

Gwang Soo had met his gaze, and paused for a moment, but neither his expression nor his gestures changed. Only that he slipped his hand inside his pocket and toyed with his cellphone there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should hold off on translating more of this until I get at least 1 comment haaa


	5. Chapter 5

It rained one day, a spring rain that fell in heavy trails. The temperature dropped unexpectedly, and the sky too appeared cloudy. It was two in the afternoon, yet the sky was dark as evening. Then the next day, the cherry blossoms bloomed. The earth was still damp. The next day, and the day after that, the flowers opened their buds one by one. The fresh blooms all but glittered in their new life. When the subway came up above the ground, all eyes fell towards the flowering trees in their full bloom. Dampened spirits following drizzles were practically forgotten, and passerbys hummed a melody, their hearts light as air. Spring had arrived, in all its glory.

Gary moved to light his cigarette, but the cloud of cherry blossoms stole his gaze. He instead stood like a statue for a long time, before bending the cigarette. He placed the now crumpled cigarette, the last one, in the empty pack and slowly took a breath. His stomach had been feeling strange these days, as if enduring constant, minor indigestion. The clear air, clear by Seoul standards anyways, filled his lungs, but he could not feel its crispness. His mind was elsewhere. His feelings were jumbled like a knot of thread. So tangled, that he could not begin to unravel them. He couldn’t think of proper lyrics in his current state. If he turned the computer on, such crude words jumped out at him haphazardly. His grip on the empty cigarette box tightened, and the ‘PARLIAMENT’ written in front with the blue rectangle drawn on grew badly wrinkled, rustling as it did so.

 

Recently, Jong Kook was busier than ever, reflecting his rising net worth both at home and abroad. Gary barely saw him except for when Jong Kook dropped by every so often at his usual gym. He heard through some acquaintances that he had filmed an advertisement yesterday. And that he had filmed with Gwang Soo. It was too obvious how that scene would have played out. Gwang Soo who would have continued to push at him, all smiles, and Jong Kook who would have tried to keep the peace somehow, though no doubt he stiffened every time.

Except for the fact that Gwang Soo was on his phone more often than usual in between takes, the scenario Gary described very much was the truth. Even if Jong Kook did feel awkward, most of Jong Kook’s already scheduled events involved Gwang Soo one way or another. Probably because their chemistry on Running Man was popular with the public, but Jong Kook was less than pleased. He couldn’t be. The lack of time enough to process his thoughts and feelings, and the tight schedule alone were enough to give him a headache, but to constantly be exposed to the source of all of his problems- the fact he couldn’t even let his discomfort show, to add to injury, made for the worst possible situation. Everybody on set wanted the back and forth fights, the rambunctious pranks, the ensuing laughter and bickering. Jong Kook couldn’t have the upper hand in such a situation.

Jong Kook felt guilty looking at Gwang Soo. Gwang Soo, who smiled so easily even after the camera stopped rolling as if he genuinely enjoyed being with him. Was ignoring Gwang Soo’s feelings and pushing him away the right thing to do just because he was a guy? His guilt loved to torture him with such questions. Question followed after question with neither head nor tail, that he questioned his own sexuality at some points. He sighed a lot more when he was alone. He didn’t want to worry the people around him, as was his tendency. Thus he tried to keep everything to himself, but doing so his mind could not fight off the infectious distress.

Anyone that didn’t know would have mistakenly chalked up Jong Kook’s increasingly common, sullen expression to fatigue, but Gwang Soo knew the exact reason why. The almighty Kim Jong Kook was wavering. Because of him. Gwang Soo knew entirely that Jong Kook hadn’t suddenly fell in love with him as if through the likes of a love potion or some other magic. No, he knew instinctively what Jong Kook felt was a darker feeling, akin to regret or bitter grief. But no matter, he could easily make those feelings that weighed so heavily on Jong Kook’s heart disappear with his truth, once the bet was over, that is. Gwang Soo couldn't know that was a very, no, incredibly complacent thought indeed. Gwang Soo believed in Haha’s idle response. If Haha who had known Jong Kook for over ten years took this so lightly, it had to be okay, right? Even though the reason Haha had laughed over matter regarding Jong Kook and Gwang Soo with little thought, was solely because he wasn’t directly involved in it.

 

‘Ah, I’m sure Gwang Soo will drop the whole thing if he’s taking it too far.’

 

That had been Haha’s reply when Gary had asked him if what Gwang Soo was doing was okay. As if carelessly handing over his responsibility with that, ‘Gwang Soo will know when to stop’. While they passed over the responsibility and guilt to each other, Jong Kook was the one to carry the weight of the burden. Gary couldn’t open his mouth, afraid that Jong Kook would hate him too if he told him the truth. The season in which people went flower viewing felt like a story worlds away. Only when the blooms fell, crushed under his feet, would Gary think that they felt real at all.

 

Gary slowly swept his thumb over the bottom of his hat. The embroidery caught on his finger with a scratchy rustle. The hat was engraved with the words ‘I AM THE GREATEST’.  It was the same one Jong Kook had often wore in private. Gary had gazed often at the hat. And later, when Gary had shown up to filming with the same one as Jong Kook’s, he had pointed at it with a small ‘oh’. _You have this hat, too?_ He had asked, half-pleased, half-fascinated.

Gary bit the inside of his cheek, trying to keep his awkward expression at bay. He’d rather die than say ‘I bought it because of you’. As casually as possible Gary had sighed, jokingly carrying on complaining and such of why Jong Kook had brought the same as himself. Jong Kook had laughed out loud then. _It’s totally like a couple’s hat._ _Shouldn’t you and Ji Hyo be the ones wearing it?_ His voice so clearly wrapped around his ear. He remembered those words especially well. Gary didn’t even want to think about what kind of expression Jong Kook would wear if he said he’d bought it for that very reason.

It was one of those feelings that should be hidden away deep at the bottom of his heart. Like a secret nobody could ever find out about. The strange love between a dog and a duck on that one animal program he watched had a better chance of happening than this. Gary regarded his own feelings as even lesser than that of an animal’s. Feelings that couldn’t ever dream of coming true had never once not been bitter nor biting. To have his treasured feelings crushed and looked down on once was enough. The heart was better hidden.

That was what his first love had taught him when he was young and in high school.

 

He had loved to dance then. Dancing made him happy, and there was a time that in itself was enough. He worked as a back dancer, and he was skilled enough to win in competitions. Even though he was at an age when people started to enjoy dating, Gary had no interest in such things. Certainly not enough to complain he attended an all-boys high school. _Hey, it’s easier changing clothes,_ he had tossed out in response to the great debate of ‘why were we an all-boys school’ that happened at least three times a week. His response was met with endless jeers. The red-hot blood of youth was like that of a beast’s, constantly aching for their mate.

He had a friend. They had been close enough to visit each other’s houses numerous times. They were together whenever possible that everyone in his side of the town thought they were brothers. He hadn’t been particularly handsome, but was often told that he looked like someone easy to get along with, a decent guy. He had always been half a head shorter than Gary, but in high school he had shot up until he was even taller than him. They got along very well. And like all kids their age, they were busy squabbling day in and out, but even the neighborhood kids knew that all that roughhousing and coarse words were all play. They said they’d do anything for each other short of underwriting each other’s debts. Yet, it only took a single moment for their friendship to go awry.The moment that Gary realized his feelings, realized the way he looked at him wasn’t purely in friendship.

The day he realized his feelings was when he heard his friend now had a girlfriend. To be more specific, it was long after he had heard the news, but in retracing his memories, the boundaries of time fell, and the underlying feelings became more clear. Gary was simply dense when it came to his feelings, probably because he’d never even thought about liking men. So even then, he was still jealous. His jealousy meandered about with no target, circling around the edges of his life aimlessly and without meaning. In the beginning, he simply thought it was something he ate. His condition wasn’t the best these days, it seemed. His insides churned when his friend proudly showed him the pictures with his girlfriend, when he exchanged sweet words with her over the phone. The feeling that trembled forth from deep within his gut was mottled. Gary worried if he’d caught the stomach flu.

 

‘Hey, this weekend-’

 

‘I have a date.’

 

He had meant to ask what they were going to do this time, since they had always hung out with each other on the weekends, but the reply was cold. It was also full of unsaid apologies but there was no way that Gary had been able to catch it. All Gary had heard was a curt rejection. His heart gave a sharp lurch just then.

 

‘Dude, is your girlfriend more important, or-’

 

Gary quickly shut his mouth. His friend, occupied with texting his girlfriend gave a “huh?” as if he hadn’t heard properly, then turned his head to look at him. Gary coughed as if something caught in his throat. His friend was caught off guard by the sudden coughing fit, patting his back as he worryingly asked if he was alright, to which Gary could barely nod. He covered his reddened ears with his hands. The name of the feeling that had come in this moment of realization was brutally large and dizzying.

The romantic feelings suddenly plastered themselves front and center like a pop-up window of a computer that he could no longer hide nor close. As if holding no regard for the startled Gary. He wasn’t an adult yet, just a kid with several years on him. Gary had no ability at the time to confront the cruel truth in front of him. It was hard enough to come to terms it wasn’t some illness that had turned his stomach upside down, but his own feelings. Gary reminisced about his younger self as he stared at the fallen petals. About how he could have been better. If he had been the person standing tall at this very spot then, he would have done something entirely different. Perhaps consciously put some distance, or also got himself a girlfriend, or something. But at the time, he had only known how to continue straight ahead. All he could do was to face his feelings straight-on in an almost pitifully ignorant fashion.

 

And what had happened after that? Gary crushed the empty cigarette box in his hand harder, and poked at the innocent floor with the tip of his shoe. Everyone said first loves were painful, but the meaning was much stronger for him. It was also a past he wished to forget. For the single phrase that had entirely ruined the solid, good thing between them to be ‘I like you’, was a fairly a cruel thing.

 

It wasn’t hard to fall from a cool guy who danced and knew how to throw his punches, to the ‘homo’ nobody wanted anything to do with. Even before he learned boxing, he had been known to pack a punch that nobody ever came at him outright, but Gary nonetheless had to deal with the uncomfortable gazes of people stealing glances behind his back. The guy who had received his confession treated him like he didn’t exist after. That was harder to bear, more than the scorn and endless whispering from a bunch of unimportant nobodies. He blamed the lack of a closure to his feelings. It was for a similar reason that even if he knew the source of all the rumors had been _him_ , he still couldn’t properly confront him about it.

The unwelcome gaze followed Gary around like a shameful tag until he graduated. Similar feelings brought him to enroll in the security and protection department, as an escape of sorts. Though that was also because it was one of the better colleges he could attend at the time. Gary also didn’t want to attend somewhere with people he vaguely knew and find himself awkwardly hanging around the outer edge of the social circle, thank you very much. After high school, Gary meticulously hid himself. If people wanted him to come to a blind date, he did. He also had several girlfriends. Even though his heart didn’t flutter, it didn't pose a problem to fit in with the status quo. Even if he did fall for the occasional guy, if he didn’t show it, that was it.

And that was how he lived until now. His high school incident was so old and vague that even after he had become an entertainer, his past had never caught up to him. His colleagues of that time probably felt making their living day to day was more important than making such stories public. Or they had completely erased it from their minds since it had been over ten years ago.

 

His legs felt stiff from standing so long that he bent up and down several times to stretch them out before finally squatting down. A single ant wandered on the asphalt floor, lost. It was like seeing himself that Gary couldn’t tear his eyes away.

Though he had tried to get over it like it hadn’t been a big deal, the wound from his high school days still stung every so often even after healing. The pain was sharp and deep as if telling him cleanly, _you don’t deserve to be loved_. There was nothing he could do when those memories raised their heads once in a while from the corner of his mind, except to reassure himself that such a thing wouldn’t happen again. That was the biggest reassurance he could give himself. He still had no feelings for women, and if that was revealed, no doubt society would once again give him the cold shoulder. Even if times had gotten better. Thus, Gary never let himself get too attached to anyone. Only through music did he relieve those feelings. In truth, it had worked rather well. At least until Jong Kook entered the picture.

 

Like his first love, Jong Kook had entered his heart before Gary had realized it himself. He didn’t know when it had started. Just, one day it had happened. That was all.

Gary stared at the ant quietly before rummaging in his pockets for his phone. Should he give him a call? He thought, playing with his phone in his hands,  with no real determination behind it. The ambiguous desire and pessimistic thoughts mixed together in ways that he hesitated a dozen times for a single phone call. For someone who carefully, hesitantly considered every little thing, thinking it over this way and that, he wondered what had possessed him to come out so boldly. _That’s right, I’ll be seeing him in a couple days, what good would phone call do?_ He put the phone back in his pocket and unfurled himself to stand. He should head back soon. Since he had enjoyed the flowers and the spring breeze to the extent he could.

 

It had been more than a year ago that he had told Jong Kook his story. There wasn't a particular reason he had confessed his secret then. Just because he was drunk. Drunken stupor had come over him like that day he had giddily filmed Haha and Gwang Soo’s bet. Considering that he had only come out twice maybe, he would have been correct to say it was a shockingly bold confession. Even more so, when he considered those two times had been to people he’d known for over ten years. His memory of the incident, as always when he was drunk, was spotty in some areas, and blurry as if seen through a layer of noise.

At the time, Gary had quietly escaped from the table, leaning against a lone wall of some building with a single cigarette in his mouth. The boisterous laughter within still rang noisily outside even through the thick walls. The weather was quite chilly, but warmed by the alcohol, he was quite hot. The night had the kind of warmth that made one sentimental.

 

“Hey. What are you doing out here?”

 

The alleyways at night were indistinguishable from each other that Gary had been dazing off, looking somewhere vaguely in front of him. By the time he came to, Jong Kook was pressed right by his side. Small stores already closed for the night, and the bars that were just welcoming the peak hour fanned out in the background behind him. Knowing Jong Kook despised smoking, Gary lightly tossed the cigarette, barely halfway used up, to the floor. Jong Kook’s gaze followed it. Gary squashed the embers out with his foot and turned his head away to spit out the remaining smoke.

 

“You came out to smoke? I thought you’d left with Dong Hoon.”

 

“Dong Hoon left?”

 

“He always leaves right on the dot. I’m sure he’s very happy at home these days.”

 

Then again, he was happily married, so of course home would be better than a sausagefest where men only clamored to pour and to drink alcohol. Gary nodded slowly. He caught scent of cooked meat on Jong Kook. As expected, he hadn’t even touched alcohol. _As always_ _, his self-discipline is really something_ , Gary thought to himself to steady his dizzying thoughts. He was tipsy and his head was a mess.

 

“Both of us…. Need to hurry and find a good partner soon.”

 

He probably hesitated a little. His memory was foggy but he knew himself well enough that surely that’s how he had felt. Nothing would have felt more bitter than Jong Kook finding a good partner. Jong Kook didn’t seem to pay his reluctance much mind, probably thinking he need to clear his throat of the lingering alcohol.

 

“You're not seeing anyone? I heard you’re pretty popular with women.”

 

“Who, me? Who said that?”

 

“Gwang Soo.”

 

“Gosh, not at all, hyung-nim….. And what’s the use of being popular with women?”

 

It could have been he was too happy at the attention Jong Kook was giving him, or because he was drunk. His mouth moved easily on its own. The chill of the night air with just the two of them, away from everyone else, felt nice. _It’s good to be popular._ Jong Kook smiled easily and gave him a light pat. Unlike usual, Gary fell back a step, stumbling, teetering precariously on edge of falling. Jong Kook quickly caught his arm pulled him to his feet. _Did you have too much to drink?_ Jong Kook had asked, but he could only grin.

 

“There’s nothing good ‘bout being popular.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Even if he wasn’t looking at him, Gary could instinctively tell Jong Kook was smiling brightly. Why wasn’t it good?.... His mind suddenly went blank, instead staring at the cigarette butt rolling on the black asphalt. Why was that? Gary blinked his eyes slowly, once, twice. His voice came out as a low murmur, as if he was talking to himself.

 

“Because….. I’m gay?”

 

 _Huh?_ Jong Kook asked again. His question was mixed with shock, so Gary answered clearly. _I’m gay, but I’m more popular with women._ And then a chuckle. His laughter flowed easily. A grin as if he’d said a great joke. Thoroughly bogged down by alcohol, his head hadn’t even registered what he was saying. A small laughed escaped Jong Kook, like a sigh.

 

“Hey, you…. You’re going to regret that when you sober up. Telling that to me.”

 

“I won’t regret it, no way! Is the fact that I like men such a bad thing?”

 

“Not a bad thing, but it’s your secret. And to tell it to me because you’re drunk-" He paused. "Never mind. Not like you’d understand what I’m telling you right now.”

 

“But you don’t care even when I say I do like men.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“Then it’s fine.”

 

He was thrilled. That the person he liked knew he was gay and didn’t think much of it. That he had come out on the bravado of his weakened defenses and the joy it was largely successful. As if to whistle a tune, he pursed his lips together but nothing happened. _Ah, it’s cold. I’m heading back,_ Jong Kook said, rubbing his hands on his thick arms, since Gary looked like he had no intention of returning inside anytime soon. How characteristic of Jong Kook, who was weak to the cold. Gary gave up trying to whistle and instead moved to hum quietly under his breath, nodding sluggishly.

Even after Jong Kook headed back into the restaurant, Gary continued humming for a long time.

Gary told himself in hindsight coming out like that was actually a good decision. It was good enough that he didn't have to worry about whether his secret be leaked should he talk about his high school days in front of him. For a person once hurt, it took unimaginable courage and determination to let their wounds be seen. Gwang Soo was foolishly bold, since he had never once gone through what he did. A quick start and a quick end, from coming out to confession. Had it been him, Gary wouldn’t have been able to do that, even as a joke. The sudden intrusion of Gwang Soo into his thoughts made his mouth bitter. He cleared his throat lightly. He was concerned about Gwang Soo making a move on him right now, but nothing would come out of it. There was no way straight Jong Kook, could somehow become gay overnight. He swallowed drily, and looked at the crushed cigarette pack in his hand. Maybe he should have taken a smoke instead of killing it.  

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The reason that Gary's high school flashback dialogue is in single quotes and his flashback with Jong Kook is in double quotes represents how well he remembers each event


	6. Chapter 6

He had a date on the weekend. Both his name and his face were well known now that any main street or famous eateries were out of the question, but Gwang Soo was very happy. His rising net worth and the continual shower of praise, the fangirls he gained due to his popularity. Every day was spring for Gwang Soo. And his growing relationship with her left little room for improvement. His days were empty of shadow. The bright sun lit every single corner. The shadow, pushed out, overtook Jong Kook instead. Surrounded by darkness, Jong Kook felt trapped. Nothing he ate seemed to sit well with him, and the nights he lost sleep increased. Jong Kook had no time to take in the scent of spring at the edge of his nose. A cruel prank churned the calm sea of his heart into a storm. The ship of his rationality flipped over, and Jong Kook struggled against the waves.

 

[Hyung can we talk]

 

He closed the black flip phone, opened it again to check the message again perhaps fifty times. However, the message didn’t disappear. The words on the screen seemed distorted. The pop song Jong Kook normally enjoyed listening to sounded grating, so Jong Kook took off his earbuds. Maybe he’d turned up the volume without realizing it, but his ears still caught the flowing voice from the earbuds sitting on the desk. Jong Kook’s hands fumbled over the keyboard before finally closing his phone. Then as if looking for some hidden meaning, he opened his phone again, checked the contents of the message he’d read a dozen or so times, and opened up the reply window. His actions repeated in a continuous circle. Gwang Soo’s name printed on the sender’s weighed heavily down on Jong Kook.

 

[About what?]

 

After great hesitation Jong Kook finally pressed send. Compared to his usual texts, this was nonchalant to the point of being cold. He took in a deep breath as if finishing an enormous task. But Gwang Soo seemed to give him little time to finally relax. Not even several breaths later, his phone vibrated loudly. Jong Kook looked at the device with contempt. He'd probably been waiting for his reply. Trying to read Gwang Soo's actions, Jong Kook sighed. He craved for even a single day where he didn't have to think about anything. Recently so many thoughts cluttered his head, headaches beat against his head furiously.

 

If Gwang Soo had been wary of him, he wouldn't have done such a thing. He had no desire to lose a close dongsaeng of his. He'd try to make amends somehow so he'd be the one to approach Gwang Soo. But he had cleanly thrown out a confession as impossible as plucking a star from the sky at him. And then to pursue him so was still uncharacteristic of Gwang Soo. He hadn't the faintest idea of what he could do. He couldn't remember how he had treated Gwang Soo before. A turning point had emerged in their relationship, though to anyone else it seemed unchanged. Or perhaps it was just a turning point for him.

 

After some hesitation, Jong Kook pressed on the button to check to the message. If he could have just avoided Gwang Soo, he would have done so earlier. But he'd be seeing him during filming a few days later regardless if he didn't reply this moment. Jong Kook coaxed himself, it probably wasn't anything serious. He probably wanted to grab a meal together sometime or something. He could just say he was busy. Jong Kook anxiously chewed down on his bottom lip without realizing. A song continued to flow out from his earphones.

 

[Where are you? I'll be right there]

 

To be honest, he didn't want to tell him. Every time he saw Gwang Soo, his heart throbbed painfully with guilt. In addition to being incredibly aware of Gwang Soo. Even if he didn't look the part, Jong Kook had a soft heart. Incidents from his hot-tempered adolescent years and his uncommonly fit body simply covered the fact. So how could Jong Kook drop all ties with Gwang Soo? Jong Kook, unable to care for his sick heart was no different than if he was covered with wounds.

 

[Studio]

 

The highest cruelty he was capable of was solely this. The smallest change in tone the other person could hardly detect. Gwang Soo did not read anything odd in his clipped answers. Not even once. It was no different this time. When Jong Kook's messaged popped on his phone screen, Gwang Soo's lips were curved in a smile. He hummed a song under his breath. Without any prior schedule, Jong Kook could only be at the gym or at home, possibly the recording studio, and the gym had been he first place he had checked. His house or the recording studio. Gwang Soo, balancing a fifty-fifty chance, had turned his direction towards the studio. Not that Jong Kook could ever know.

 

Gwang Soo seemed to have no intention of letting Jong Kook, who could only sigh as he massaged his face, off the hook- seeing how he was seeking him out even on his free days. Gwang Soo’s long and thin fingers tapped lightly on the screen. Words danced on the screen, shaping into meaning.

 

[Let’s meet up I’m in the area right now]

 

“Ah!”

 

Gwang Soo, used to sending short chunks of messages in the style of text chats, had unconsciously pressed the send button even though he still had more to say. The reflexive outcry drew the gazes of two passerbys.  _ Isn’t that Lee Gwang Soo? That is him _ . Murmurs rose up in groups of threes and fives, but Gwang Soo focused only on his phone. Any other time he would have lifted his head at least to greet them, but right now he had to clarify his intentions before Jong Kook responded.

 

[Ill see youat th e studio]

  
  


His hastily tacked on reply was not neat as he’d liked, but what did it matter, Gwang Soo thought. If Jong Kook was given the time to respond, there was a high probability they’d meet at a cafe or some other sort of place within the public eye. Jong Kook, wanting to avoid being alone with him at all costs, would no doubt make it so. Then his stunt today would be meaningless. The story Gwang Soo held was one for a place with no distractions nor eavesdroppers. Should his joking words fall to a third party, Jong Kook’s or Gwang Soo’s own image would be damaged as if carved with a sword.

 

Gwang Soo shoved the phone in his back pocket. The front pocket of his pants was shallow and small, close to a useless thing. Like the vestigial eyes of a ground mole, the pocket which had lost its original function was solely for the aesthetic. His long legs moved faster, his steps in large strides. To ignore the several gazes thrown his way, Gwang Soo shifted the sunglasses higher on his face. They had been a present from her.  _ Oppa, you should wear this. I bought it because it looked like it’ll fit you well.  _ Her voice had been sweet as the dew-stained bud of a flower, on the verge of full bloom. Gwang Soo scratched his ears as if tickled by her velvety ‘ _ oppa’ _ once more in his recollection.

 

The spring afternoon on the other side of the sunglasses’ black screen was listless. Petals that had lost against the wind, fell one by one in faded colors. Gwang Soo could only read the presence of spring through the syrupy sweet scent at the edge of his nose.

 

Jong Kook touched his knee and his ankle out of habit. The soreness was less when compared to that during the Running Man filming. Unease crawled up slowly. Did he have something to say that couldn’t be done over phone or text? He fixed the sneakers that he had half taken off, and stood up from his chair. Anyhow, it wouldn’t be right to chase away someone who was coming, thus seeing them in outside the building seemed to be the proper thing to do. They had come and gone to see each other many times between them, but the times he had let Gwang Soo in the studio were few enough that he could get lost on his way. Jong Kook put two phones in his pocket, and moved slowly towards the lower level of the building with a heavy heart. The The outer walls of the building were cold. He wished something would suddenly come up that Gwang Soo would have to go back. That wasn’t possible of course. Not even ten minutes later, and without losing his way even once, Gwang Soo appeared in front of him, wearing a pair of sunglasses as if boasting he was a celebrity. Jong Kook found it hard to decipher how Gwang Soo was looking at him behind the sunglasses. Without hesitation, Gwang Soo stepped in front of Jong Kook and gave a light smile. Jong Kook couldn’t tell if it was because something good had happened or because of him. Over Gwang Soo’s shoulder, new sprouts grew on every branch of the previously bare tree.

 

“Were you waiting for me? You didn’t have to.”

 

“.... You could have gotten lost.”

 

Jong Kook had to clear his throat twice before he could answer. His throat kept closing up out of nervousness. Behind his sunglasses Gwang Soo’s calm eyes observed every such action in detail. His gaze resembled that of a beast on the hunt for food. In this reversal of the food chain, Jong Kook wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. Gwang Soo breezily scanned his surroundings once and spoke.

 

“Hyung, you were alone right? Let’s head inside, I have something to tell you.”

 

“Something to tell me?”

 

“It’s a little… you know, to say it out  here.”

 

“...”

 

Jong Kook’s expression hardened for a moment. That night, when he had met Gwang Soo in front of his house he had been burdened with the weight of an emotion of degrees he found hard to bear. Since then he had turned down situations of being alone with Gwang Soo like this. He should have said he had a guest. Jong Kook regretted his honesty and let out a heavy sigh. Gwang Soo smoothed out his clothes waiting for Jong Kook’s reponse. A single cherry blossom petal floated down from Gwang Soo’s shoulder, having landed on him from when he walked through the streets earlier. Both of their gazes wandered about before heading to the petal falling to the floor. The petal made its way towards Gwang Soo’s feet, but caught in the breeze, light as a sigh, it was quickly pushed aways out and spun around as if riding on a wave.

 

“Come in.”

 

From his voice, it was clear he didn’t want him to. Jong Kook walked ahead, but was strangely troubled that he observed Gwang Soo following him at the corners of his eyes. Gwang Soo thought it rather cute when Jong Kook would sometimes act unlike his age and do aegyo in front of the camera, but seeing him act unlike his usual self was also cute, even remarkable. It was a similar feeling when watching a girl unused to playing billiards struggle with what to do, seeing Jong Kook so awkward and helpless in dealing with people’s feelings. Their steps were evenly matched as if arranged beforehand that naturally, they fell into a single step together. 

The building was quiet. He had visited before, but being his first visit in awhile Gwang Soo took off his sunglasses and tucked it into his collar, observing his surroundings. Everything appeared more clearly.

 

Save for the few sheets of paper rolling around, the studio was clean. Jong Kook grabbed the back of a rolling chair and pushed it towards Gwang Soo and handed him a vitamin drink that had been at the corner of Jong Kook’s desk. The bottle was cool to the touch, and felt smaller than usual in Gwang Soo’s hand. Without hesitation Gwang Soo twisted open the cap and gulped down the drink on the chair Jong Kook had handed him. Seeing there was only one chair, Jong Kook sat at the edge of the table. As if trying to secure an exit, Jong Kook’s eyes kept falling towards the door. His throat kept closing up.

 

“Hyung.”

 

He called Jong Kook in a low voice, putting the cap back on the brown glass container. Once twisted off, the cap never quite closed right, spinning meaninglessly in place. Instead of an answer, Jong Kook swallowed drily. He felt stiff, feeling more nervous than the moments before he would stand on stage. He closed his right hand into a fist and then opened them, then back several times. Gwang Soo pulled his chair closer to Jong Kook. A distance he’d be able to close if he stuck out his leg even a tiny bit. Gwang Soo’s eyes stuck to him as to request an answer, that Jong Kook finally responded back,  _ yeah? _ Even as he smoothed out his hair messed from his walk, Gwang Soo’s gaze did not leave Jong Kook.

 

“You know…..”

 

Gwang Soo massaged the space between his brows with his finger. The words weren’t easy to say, even for him. How could he make it so he wouldn't be rejected, yet have a clean ending? Gwang Soo had thought hard over the past few days. It wouldn’t do to simply accomplish his goal. Even for Gwang Soo, to see each other for a short time then never be on speaking terms, and even destroy their friendship when they both worked on the same show, was a situation he wanted to avoid at all costs.  _ It’s all because of Dong Hoon-hyung. _ He was an easy target to blame all the things that pricked at his conscious, and once more Gwang Soo rushed off the guilt. Wasn’t the bet something Dong Hoon had suggested in the first place? He’d also been the first one to tease him. Dong Hoon was the cause of the all the events happening right now, such was a comforting thought then and now. 

 

Jong Kook only waited tensely for his next words, but did nothing to press him on.

 

“Hyung, can you go out with me?”

 

“...What?”

 

“Let’s have a serious relationship.”

 

At first his words were a request. But his next words were closer to a command. Once again, a rock thrown into the lake created ripples. Rougher and fiercer. Jong Kook suddenly felt all too clearly what it was to be stupefied. As if covered by a veil, the sound was muffled- and like the pressure on a plane on landing, felt uncomfortably tight. The words that had fell properly onto his ears, one by one unraveled and shot off on their own. Weightless, as if without gravity, all of his senses felt unreal. Jong kook closed his eyes lazily.  _ How did I end up in this situation?  _ A strange thought climbed from his conscious as if to try and ignore the present reality. It was a weekend, with good weather- he should have taken a walk or something. Or should he have called Haha or Gary to grab a meal together? Thought followed after thought with no head nor tail, and in this continuous cycle Jong Kook pretended not to see what was happening in front of him.

 

_ Jong Kook-hyung.  _ Gwang Soo said lowly, stretching on his hand and lightly touching his knee. Jong Kook returned from his own world to reality like a teetering glass wall finally shattering. As if shocked with electricity, Jong Kook flinched and pulled his body back. Gwang Soo was also caught off guard, quickly retreating his outstretched hand. Unconsciously or not, Jong Kook rubbed at the spot where Gwang Soo had touched him as if to wipe his presence away.

 

“What did you just say?”

 

“Let’s go out. You and I.”

 

“And by ‘go out’ you mean…”

 

“Like what women and men do. Lovers, you know.”

 

Jong Kook felt nauseous. He stretched out his hand and grabbed a vitamin drink for the box, quickly opened it to drink. 

 

Was Gwang Soo finally out of his mind? Was he drunk? Or high? Wow, he really had to be crazy. Do _what_ , now? Did he think that was even possible? If questions took up physical space, Jong Kook’s head would have burst already. The question marks that followed after this single sentence from Gwang Soo was too much in kind and number. Like the myriad of soap bubbles formed from a single breath. The only difference was the questions in his head did not disappear as bubbles did. He opened his mouth to answer but was only able to open and close it repeatedly, mumbling. 

 

He wanted to pour the questions that filled and overflowed from his heart, but that was not as easy as he wanted it obe. The next words from his mouth were so plain that Gwang Soo could have also predicted it.

 

“But I….. like women though.”

 

Gwang Soo paused from a moment. Silence was often a good tool to make an atmosphere more serious. Jong Kook waited for Gwang Soo to say something. There was nothing he could besides that.

 

“I know. I know… but still.”

 

“Gwang Soo-”

 

“One month. Just one month.”

 

Gwang Soo cut him off curtly, making the first move before he heard a rejection. At his pleading tone, Jong Kook stopped.

 

“Just one month, hyung. After that, I won’t say I like you anymore. If you go out with me one month and you really feel this isn’t it, then I think I can also clean up my feelings with no regrets, and return to being the hyung and dongsaeng we used to be. Really.”

 

When the thought had struck Gwang Soo, flipping through the television channels at home with nothing better to do, he had slapped his knee and shouted, “This is it!” Haha just said they needed to date, but he hadn’t said how long, and for Jong Kook too, having a time limit would lighten the pressure Jong Kook felt. If he brought him to a situation that left gasping for breath, and nudged Jong Kook along as if loosening his chokehold, then the situation actually seems quite manageable. And if things went awry and Gwang Soo found it difficult to reveal the truth of the bet, then after one month, he could pretend to have wiped his feelings clean. Acting no different than how they were before. And one more thing.

 

“.... If you’re uncomfortable, I won’t even touch you, hyung. Just grabbing a few meals with me, going to a couple cafes will be enough.”

 

The decisive problem of skinship was also resolved easily. All that under the guise that he was holding himself back because Jong Kook did not want to. They would be dating in name only, everything else was no different than before. It was a solution that even Gwang Soo welcomed. No matter how close he was  to Jong Kook, Gwang Soo had no desire to embrace and to kiss him. To even think about doing that with another man gave him a headache.

 

“But….”

 

“I don’t know how long we’ll be on the program together, so we can’t just let things be awkward between us like this. One month is short, hyung. And because our schedules, we probably won't’ be able to meet more than a couple times.”

  
  


“.....”

 

_ And I know you’ve been avoiding me, _ Gwang Soo added. As if to prick at his conscious. Gwang Soo thought there were incredibly few people that were as easy to handle emotionally as Jong Kook. Regardless of the years he had lived, Jong Kook had no idea how to react in these situations. If it had been him, Gwang Soo would have already said he’d answer later and left the scene. But Jong Kook stubbornly sat in that spot and faced him. Although he couldn’t meet his gaze, but still. 

 

Thinking about it, the one that had wrought such problems and awkwardness between the two of them had solely been himself. Haha, well, he had made the first move in a much larger picture, but this picture was no different than if he had crafted it himself. Even so, Jong Kook did not reproach him for proposing such nonsense and creating discomfort for him. Not that he had peace of mind to do so, but even if Jong Kook possessed that kind of rationality, no doubt he still would have held it in. Because such was Kim Jong Kook. Because he was someone one who couldn't, hadn’t retaliated, even after losing his girlfriend to his junior. Gwang Soo often thought a bull might befit Jong Kook better than a tiger. Though frightening when angered, normally his tameness in contrast to his size were a perfect match.

 

Looking at Jong Kook, unable to form an answer, Gwang Soo realized he grasped victory within his hands. Kim Jong Kook, who was won over after confessing three times. This was an opportunity to check the truth of that saying. The first had been in front of his house, the second had been during filming, said almost unconsciously himself, and finally today. Three times. The back of his neck felt incredibly tense, like an athlete awaiting the podium announcements.

 

Jong Kook's callused hands fumbled with the empty bottle. The bottle was cold. He felt as if his brain had stopped, he couldn’t think of the correct solution that would resolve the matter. His normally slow heart rate seemed to hammer wildly in his chest. Jong Kook thought it unfair spring was all around him, and yet, he was the only one gasping for breath. He thought of the wavering cherry blossom petals. A sudden fatigue washed over him, an overload. As things at the end of their lifespan do, grinding slowly to a halt, so he felt his thoughts stop. Jong Kook’s thumb slowly wiped over the neck of the bottle.

 

Jong Kook opened his mouth after silence.

 

“....Alright, let do it.”  
  



End file.
